The Year to Get My Sh*t Together

Where does the time go?

It's been nearly two years since I started this blog.  I had great intentions of being so productive and getting my life in order, so I named it "2015:  The Year to Get Sh*t Done."  As time went on, I realized it was going to be bigger than just 2015, so I dropped the year and kept at it.

2016 was affectionately dubbed "The Year of People."  The ultimate goal was to spend more time focusing on developing relationships with those in my life by intentionally making time for others.  It started off being quite productive.  There were several family and couple dinner dates in our home with our friends, dates with my husband, and some one-on-one time with the kids, but then life happened.  It derailed the train and I was never able to get back on track.  It's hard to do when the train takes a complete detour and stops in a new place.

To say 2016 has been a year of ups and downs would be an understatement.  It's been chaotic, stressful, and uncertain at times, but we have also had some amazing experiences and made many memories.  It's been eye-opening and life-changing to say the least.  With each life experience, whether good or bad, there is always a lesson to be learned.  The lessons from this year have been hard to swallow at times, but I'd like to think I have learned a thing or two along the way.

Ultimately, I realized my husband and I will do anything we deem necessary for our family.  Each decision we make regarding our children and their well-being is not done in haste.  We have been presented with many challenging situations this year and have carefully considered all options before choosing which path to take.  Some have not worked out the way we had hoped, but others have certainly been for the greater good of our family.  It's been pretty grueling at times, but we're still here to talk to about it.

With 2017 looming around the corner, the theme for the upcoming year hit me late last week:  "The Year to Get My Sh*t Together."

Why?

Because I am tired of living a disheveled, unorganized, unfocused life.  I want to dig deep inside and figure out who is taking up residence in this body.  Who am I?  What goals do I have for myself and what is my path in life going to look like this year?  What are MY dreams and how can I pursue them?  How am I going to feel like I am living a purposeful and fulfilled life?

I crave more organization, less distraction, and the opportunity to take some time and focus on me.  I have devoted most of my time the past decade running this household and caring for my kids.  I've supported my husband's career choices (well, most of the time, I'm far from perfect) and watched as he continues to be successful and climb the ladder.

In the meantime, I've lost sight of who I am, put my needs darn near last most days, and let myself go in so many areas of life.  I've lost the spark I once had and the drive to achieve the goals that I've set for myself.  Life just seems so overwhelming most days and I cannot fathom where I would find the time to make these drastic changes, but something needs to give.  I'm not sure how many times I've said it before, but one of these times it's going to stick.  It HAS to stick.        

2017 will undoubtedly be filled with more change and challenges, but I am hopeful it will be a brighter, happier year.  There is a lot of work to be done and I plan to do my best to eliminate as many distractions as possible, focus on goals, and keep my eye on the prize.

I am nervous, but excited about what's to come.  It's going to take a lot of work and there are bound to be many road blocks int he way.  I guess the ultimate test will be overcoming those road blocks and continuing on the journey.

Life has a way of continuing to move on even if we're stuck in a rut.  Sometimes that rut lasts much longer and extends much further than we'd like, but deep down inside I know there is a way out and I am determined to find it.

One foot in front of the other.  One day, one hour, one minute at a time.  Whatever it takes.

As this year comes to an end, I would like to thank all of you who have taken the time to follow along.  If you'd like to continue to do so, I invite you to follow along by email (as one of the largest distractions I plan to greatly reduce or eliminate all together is Facebook where I post links to new posts).

Enjoy the holidays and I'll see you (I hope!) in 2017.

The Island

I keep asking myself, "How the fu@$ did I get here?"

Seems harsh, but true.  It is an incredibly loaded question weaved into one large web of chance and circumstance.  It would take me quite some time to summarize the course of events that lead me to this point.  I have a story to tell and I think in a very unusual way God has put it on my heart to do so.

I feel as if I have been out at sea too long to remember where I departed from and after years of trying to find my way back, I have reluctantly abandoned the dream of returning home.  Instead, a desert island has come into view and with it a new life has emerged.  While it is hard to relinquish the familiarity and comfort of life on the mainland, it is time to start navigating the rocky terrain of my newfound home.

It is unfamiliar and leaves me feeling lost and helpless much of the time, yet I have reluctantly come to accept it as my new home.  The island is foreign and desolate, but it is is filled with such beauty and wonder it leaves me in awe.   As with all new beginnings, there are underlying feelings of uncertainty and trepidation, but in those uncertain moments, if I am quiet enough, peacefulness washes over me.

This is my life.

In a strange twist of fate, I have landed here, in a foreign place, where I would have never imagined myself living.

When I take time to reflect on the path I've taken through life, I can now see why all of those choices and opportunities were placed before me.  A love of children lead me to major in early childhood education.  St. Ambrose's ECE program included special education, so throughout my four years of college I was trained in regular and special education.  Special education was not on my radar, so had it not been part of the degree program, I would never have pursued it.

My ultimate goal was always to be a kindergarten teacher, but when I ventured down to Texas to interview just a few weeks before school started I found myself presented with an opportunity to teach PPCD (Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities).  I was so grateful to be given an offer I took it without hesitation.  It certainly wasn't what I had planned, but I dove right in and never looked back.

I was fortunate to receive a lot of training while working for that district, so I gained a great deal of confidence and ended up loving my job.  Many of my students had autism and very challenging behaviors.  They were a puzzle, but over time I was able to put many of the pieces together and help them overcome some of their challenges.  It was exhausting, but rewarding work and I spent five years teaching in self-contained special education classrooms.

While I left the classroom behind nine years ago when I began staying home with the kids, I have found myself back in that life.  The classroom is our home and the child is mine.  This time I am unfamiliar with the disability and the challenges it presents.  I am back to being that first year teacher who poured her heart and soul into researching and strategizing how to reach and help my kids.

I will be the first to admit, I didn't see this coming.  Because I was trained in special education, I was hypersensitive to the development of my children.  When I was pregnant I breathed a sigh of relief every time the ultrasound results showed our children had no risk factors.  When they were born and given clean bills of health I breathed another sigh of relief.  I watched them carefully through their toddler years and breathed yet another sigh of relief when they met their developmental milestones and showed no signs of autism.

I naively thought we were in the clear, so to speak.  Our son had challenging behaviors, but like most parents we chalked them up to the terrible two's and three's and him being an active little boy.  When he began to clear his throat all of the time, we chalked it up to allergies.  When he began to uncontrollably grimace and cock his head to the side we figured it was a phase that would pass.  Until it didn't.  When more noises and uncontrollable movements began we took note.  We went to the doctor, we were told to observe, and if we hit the year mark where these didn't subside, we would talk.  Well, they didn't subside.  In fact, they became worse.  We went to Iowa City where he was officially diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome.

With that diagnosis everything fell into place.  Tourette Syndrome is far more complex than tics.  The sleep problems, behavior challenges, aggression, rage, explosiveness, ADHD, defiance, obsessions, compulsions, impulsivity, anxiety, worry...it is all related and part of this disorder.

It has lead us to the island.  This foreign, desolate, yet beautiful island.

I am beginning to learn the lay of the land.  There are landmines and volcanoes everywhere just waiting to erupt.  There are raging, violent storms and days that never seem to end.  It is simply indescribable and there is no map available to help navigate the treacherous terrain.  It is survival mode, living minute to minute.

It is lonely, isolating, overwhelming, and frustrating.  It is simply indescribable.

We have embarked on a new journey.  One where very few understand what we are up against and how challenging it is day in and day out.  Where there are few local resources to help support us and him.  Where it is rare in schools which leads to very little understanding about the disorder and the comorbidities that accompany it.  Where very few local doctors specialize in this disorder.  Where there is so very little help.

It is truly a desert island, but that doesn't mean we will always be alone.  We will try to connect with others who are also embarking on this journey and find the help and resources we need to adapt and manage this to the best of our ability.

This may very well be the most difficult test I have endured.  All of the stops along the path of my life in the past 19 years have lead to this.  I have been put on this island for a reason.  It may not be by choice, but there is no lifeboat to escape on.

Time to get to work.  Time to start settling in.  Time to get sh*t done.


  





 

  



  

Above All, Choose Kind

I recently finished reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.  If you haven't read Carry On Warrior or this, you're missing out.  She's a straight shooter who had serious struggles for much of her life, lost herself along the way, yet in the end persevered.  What I admire most, though, is her willingness to share her story with others without shame, even though it's messy and uncomfortable. She has a fantastic blog, Momastery, and freely speaks her mind on so many of today's most controversial issues in a loving, motivating way.  

She uses her platform to encourage people to be tolerant, fight for what's right, and above all, be kind to and love one another...and ourselves.

When I put down her book, I felt inspired, encouraged, and validated.  We have made difficult decisions for our family as of late and choosing to not remain silent about our rationale has led to some unexpected fallout.  At first I was hurt, but over time I have come to see the situation for what it is.  Sometimes someone else's messy truth makes people uncomfortable. 

Perhaps my experience, my voice, will reach into the heart of another mama out there who is struggling.  Maybe she will no longer feel alone and find comfort in knowing there are others out there fighting the good fight right alongside her.  Why should I sit by and be silent?

Seeing the world from someone else's perspective can be difficult.  It seems we are so wrapped up in our own lives that even considering someone else's circumstances may be different is a challenge.  I'm not sure it's ever been quite as evident in my lifetime as it is right now.  Turn on the news, read an editorial, simply look at what's going on around you.  Tunnel vision is everywhere.    

Kindness and compassion have been replaced with intolerance and apathy.  What would happen if people would step back and suppress the urge to argue or attack and simply say, "I hear you.  I am sorry."?

People attempt to tell others how they should feel and belittle and judge them when their opinion differs.  Why do people believe that is okay?  Individuals are entitled to feel emotions and come to their own conclusions based on their personal experiences.  Why do whites feel compelled to discredit how the black community feels?   Why do the middle or upper class feel the need to rebuke and dehumanize people living in poverty?  Why do people attack others who choose a different lifestyle than their own?  Why?  

What makes this even harder for me to wrap my head around is this intolerance isn't limited to behavior among strangers.  This happens in families, with friends.  It seems that nowhere is safe anymore and it is disheartening people spend so much energy bringing people down rather than building them up.    

What happened to the village?  The village where people lifted each other up, unselfishly helped each other, steadfastly supported each other?  Where did it go?  As of late, it seems to have been wiped from existence.

Mamas.  I have a plea for you.  Lead by example.  Those little eyes are watching and when we are expressly showing our intolerance of others, we are teaching our kids to do the same.  When we are brushing someone's feelings aside and trying to impress our feelings and opinions on them, we are teaching our kids to do the same.  When we are outwardly unfairly judging others, we are teaching our kids to do the same.  Choose kindness.  Choose compassion.  Choose love.            

Glennon and I are kindred spirits.  I have never been one to be silent.  I am not ashamed to use my voice.  I have a story to share.  I'm sure you do, too. 

  

Perception vs. Reality

Truth.

How do we distinguish between what is actually true versus what we perceive to be the truth? 

How do we sift through the gray, hazy uncertainties of life to find the crystal clear sky?  

We listen.  We wait.  We seek answers to the questions that are causing us to feel unsteady, uncertain. 

If we're patient, persistent, one day we may be blessed with clarity. 

After years of uncertainty and haze, the fog has begun to life.  Each day the difference between perception and reality is slowly becoming more clear.  The truth has set me free and the elephant that has been crushing my chest for so many years has finally begun to retreat.  I am able to view life through a different lens and the peace and acceptance that accompanies this new perspective is welcomed with open arms.

So what changed?  

In order to understand this newfound view, we'll have to backtrack a bit.

Nearly four years ago there was a not-so-subtle shift in our family dynamics.  Our younger son learned to climb out of the crib while we were away for Thanksgiving and while this may seem like a right of passage, it marked the beginning of a very long and hard downward spiral.

It began with sleep problems that plagued us for nearly a year until our pediatrician suggested giving Melatonin a try.  Each and every night our two-year-old would fight bedtime for hours.  It would be 9 or 10 o'clock before he would fall asleep and each morning he would wake for the day between 4-5 in the morning.  He would not nap unless I strapped him in the van and drove around for hours.  It was exhausting for him, us, and our other kids. 

Soon after he began to exhibit extreme behavior issues and the rest, they say, is history.

For as long as I can remember I have loved children.  I was the first in line to babysit whenever an opportunity came around.  I had my career path chosen long before I ever graduated from high school.  Teaching young children with special needs came naturally to me and starting a family shortly after we got married was the obvious next chapter in our life.  

I was pretty confident I would be a great mom.  I'd cared for so many children over the years that I was not the least bit intimidated to have my own.  Having a large family was my dream and I was blessed to see that dream come to fruition.

My pre-kid self understood parenting would not always be sunshine and roses, but I was not prepared for how hard it would be once they arrived.  The endless nights of little sleep, chronic ear infections, reflux, and feelings of isolation took their toll, but there was an even larger challenge looming around the corner.  I was completely unprepared for the reality of raising a child with significant behavior challenges and the impact it would have on our marriage, other children, and me.

We love our little guy to pieces.  He has a megawatt smile, a killer hug, and is smarter than a whip, but his challenges over the last four years have resulted in a frustrating, exhausting, overwhelming, anxiety-producing period of life filled with many, many questions and very few answers.

Until now.   

For four years I have been buried in the trenches.  Feelings of helplessness and despair have consumed me.  I have thrown my hands in the air and said, "I give up" more times than I can count.  Nearly everyday a volcanic-like eruption would occur and at times it was debilitating.  It wore me down and somewhere along the way I lost confidence in my ability to parent.

I have felt like a failure as a mother and the shame that has accompanied those feelings has almost been unbearable at times.  I have wondered why I, the teacher with special education training, could not devise a plan to help improve the quality of life for all of us.  Why could I not help my son?  Why did nothing work?

I have spent years feeling embarrassed at the store, family gatherings, church, and everywhere in between because I could not "handle my child."  I've felt judged and inadequate.  People have offered their wisdom and advice, but it just never fit the needs of our boy.   

Each day I would wake feeling anxious and defeated before my feet ever hit the floor, because I knew the day would be filled with challenges.  Some would be minor, but many would be all-out tantrums, some filled with so much aggression it would be hard to manage.  It would impede my ability to run errands, ride in the van without complete and utter chaos, or to simply relax at home.  I was always on guard waiting for the next eruption to come and day in and day out, it always did. 

But now the tides have changed.

We finally have answers.  We finally have a cause.  We have finally begun a treatment plan.  

Have we seen any significant changes yet?  No.  In fact, some days it's worse, but our mindset has changed.  We finally have the truth and the truth has set us free.

After four long years of doing everything we could within reason to correct the perceived "problem" we can finally rest.  We can refrain from trying to mold him into something he is not because we feel like we are failing him.  Instead we have embraced the truth and been liberated to accept him as the amazing, energetic, bright boy who has some unique challenges.  

The shame and embarrassment has begun to wither away.  We have not failed as parents.  We cannot control his behavior and while it poses many challenges in our daily lives, it has become easier to accept now that we understand the root of the cause.  It has given us the freedom to let the cards fall as they may.  We don't have to swim against the current any longer.

We are able to set boundaries for our family and understand that "pushing through" is simply not an option.  It will only lead to frustration for all of us and our job, as parents, is to determine what is the best yes for our family.  We can do this freely and without guilt, because we have a much better understanding of how our decisions impact him and our family.  Guilt, obligations, pressure be gone.  In the end, it is the well-being of our family that matters the most.     

We can help our other children understand and be more patient and loving with them.  This is also a challenge for them and they handle it with such grace most of the time.  

I can forgive myself.  I can let go of the shame and guilt and move forward with confidence.  I have not failed my boy or my other kiddos.  I love them and do my best day in and day out to help them succeed.  Some days may look less than impressive, but it is all I have to give. 

Raising a family is not easy.  It is a messy, imperfect, exhausting venture, but the all-encompassing love I feel for those kids and my desire to protect and nurture them makes it all worth it.  I cannot change the past, but I can give it my best each and every day moving forward.  I can lock up those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and toss away the key.  

I am enough.  My little boy is enough.  We are all enough.

  

The Inevitable Curveball

I love baseball, particularly the Chicago Cubs.

You'll find me tuning into nearly every game all season long and I love every minute of it.  Baseball is a game of details and discipline.  It is filled with flashy players who get paid the big bucks and receive major press coverage, yet if you look closely, you'll find a quiet, humble player who may be the real difference maker on the team.  As you near October, that unsuspecting player may finally rise to the spotlight and surprise everyone.

While riding in the shadows of the big-name players, the humble, quiet pitcher has gone out and dominated nearly each and every outing throughout the season.  His pitching isn't overpowering, yet he finds himself in the Cy Young mix, while sailing through the season feeling little pressure other than being on the most promising Chicago Cubs team in decades.  There were no great expectations riding on his back to dominate, yet he has.

It is a truly remarkable, inspiring story that has unfolded this year.

Life is a lot like baseball.  Some seasons our performance exceeds our expectations and others fail to live up to the hype.

It is filled with loud, flashy people who love to be in the spotlight and those who would prefer to slide by as unnoticed as possible.  So often, the quiet ones end up feeling the most fulfilled and leave a lasting, positive impact on this world.  The only expectations they have to live up to are their own and they are able to fulfill their purpose while feeling little pressure as they quietly move around relatively unnoticed.

Life also has a way of throwing us the inevitable curveball from time to time.

As parents, we have found ourselves in a season we weren't quite expecting.  That inevitable curveball has been thrown and while we saw it coming, it doesn't make it any easier to handle.

On Friday, the doctor confirmed our suspicions regarding our son.  In a way it was a relief to have the diagnosis on paper, yet as his mama, it hurts my heart to know it is true.  So much of what we have endured over the past four years makes so much sense now, but it leaves me with feelings of guilt and helplessness just the same.

While it was a tough pill to swallow, I am so grateful that his struggle is not one that is life-threatening.  It is simply a very big, exhausting, frustrating, complex challenge.  We will all work together as a team to manage the challenges, work to help him succeed, and ensure that he feels loved and special every single day.  Home will always be safe, no matter how ugly the world outside our doors may be.

Dwelling on the past will do no good, but accepting that life is truly lived one day at a time will help us appreciate the little things that much more.  This is just the beginning of a very long journey, but it is one we will walk together as a family.  Our kiddos will surely learn valuable life lessons regarding tolerance, acceptance, and perseverance and hopefully grow to be a light for both their brother and their peers who may need someone to notice how truly special they are.

We are a team and much like that quiet, humble Cubs pitcher Kyle Hendricks (who ironically almost threw a no-hitter tonight which began well after I started writing this), we'll go out each and every day and quietly go about our business determined to do our best to help our little guy become the best version of himself.

He's a bright, innovative, persistent, loving little boy and I can't wait to see him have his breakout season one of these days.

It won't be flashy, but it will surely be memorable.  

  












    
 

  

The Number Flips Again

Today marks the 37th year of my journey in this world.  It seems impossible that I've reached this age.  I guess I always thought I'd feel so much different as I aged and while I know there is a vast difference between where I am now versus 20 years ago, I'm just not sure I feel 37.

Somehow I've been married for almost 11 years and have four beautiful kids, but it seems like just yesterday I was packing up and beginning my adult journey way down south.  In reality, 14 years have passed since I took that leap of faith, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.  That decision paved the way for my future and is a huge reason I am where I am today.

That experience taught me to lean into the uncomfortable rather than shy away and it is a lesson I have carried with me ever since.  In recent years, that lesson has been brought to the forefront of my life and this year will be no different.

As a gift to myself this year, I am making some changes in how I manage my time and the activities I pursue.  My family and non-profit will be the recipients of the majority of my time.  As we begin our fourth year of operation with From Cover to Cover, some major programs have been launched that will touch hundreds of kids.  It is going to be an exciting year and by year five, we'll be even bigger.  This is a huge accomplishment and one that fills up my bucket time and time again.  The road is never easy and I have to step out of my comfort zone quite often to get things done, but in the end I enjoy the challenge and have overcome many fears in three short years.  My heart belongs to this organization and I will be devoting a tremendous amount of time to ensuring these programs are a success.  I cannot wait for this next step to begin and love that I get to work alongside a few of my very best friends on this journey!

Our family is beginning an exciting new chapter in life soon and though there may be bumps in the road, we are all very excited.  This transition has prompted me to really think about what is important in life.  My personal goal for this next year is to focus on the positive and engage in activities and relationships that feel good and bring joy and fulfillment to my life.  I want to do my best to avoid time-sucking activities and negativity.  It is hard in this no-filter, go-go-go society, but being closer to my family and settling into a new community will likely leave me with plenty of opportunities for positive engagement.

To do this, though, I have to break some bad habits.  The biggest bad habit?  Social media.  It is a great tool, but so many times over the past 8 years or so I have wanted to break up with my Facebook account.  My time could be spent in much more productive and positive ways than flipping through that damn newsfeed.  As a gift to myself, I began my break-up with the time-sucker this week.  While I would love to do away with it all together, I need to utilize it for From Cover to Cover and my business and I enjoy being able to easily stay in touch with my family and close friends near and far.  Weaning down that account to one-third of what is was produced quite a bit of anxiety, but once it was done it was a relief.  Welcome back precious time.  I will use you wisely!

As humans, we are a work in progress.  Each year I become more and more aware of what is important and who I should spend my time investing in.  My family will always come first and I am blessed with a loving, supportive family circle.  I have also found that serving others through the non-profit brings the most fulfillment to my life.  I feel blessed to be able to recognize this and hope to spend this year focusing on what fills me up and letting go of what drags me down.

Cheers to 37!  (Only 13 years until 50!).

  

A Big Change

This summer has been filled with ups and downs.  We had some wonderful family vacations, fun adventures, and celebrated some great family milestones:  birthdays, weddings, new babies.  We made a lot of great memories and did our best to enjoy the lazy days of summer.

We also struggled through many days and spent a lot of time contemplating what the future would hold for our family.  It has not been an easy road and we have spent a great deal of time weighing the pros and cons, but at the end of the day we feel we have finally come to the right conclusion to fit our needs and it requires a major life change:  moving.  We've talked about it for what seems like forever, but now it is really happening.

Four years ago we moved to a small town in Iowa.  Back then we naively thought we had found our forever home.  It is impossible to see what the future will hold, but I have learned that forever is a REALLY long time and you just never know what God has in store for you.  In our case, we did not anticipate the challenges that would come with having children who do not fit into the mythical "box."

Our initial experience with our current school district was not a positive one and it remained a challenge for a few years.  Our oldest son didn't fit into the "box."  He has life-threatening food allergies (peanuts, tree nuts, and shellfish if you're curious) and a peanut/tree nut free classroom, as well as other accommodations, are imperative for his safety.  What should have been a simple process was not.  It was a struggle to initially get everything into place and took us into the better part of his second year in the school to finally feel his needs were being met.  Let me tell you, it is not fun to be challenged on your child's rights.  Thankfully there are federal laws in place that protect him.  I was blessed to have an educational background in this department and able to knowledgeably fight for him, as well as others who also have this disability.

Our other son does not fit into this "box" either.  His needs are much different than his brother's and even more complex.  We have struggled at home for many years and school is proving to be no different.  He, too, is protected by law to receive services and accommodations, yet it has been a struggle with the district once again.  In this case, though, we are unwilling to fight the good fight.  It is mentally and emotionally draining and in the end, we want our son to be set up for success from day one.

I wouldn't say that managing life-threatening food allergies is easy, but the measures taken are fairly cut and dry when compared to the needs of our younger son.  In the end, we have made the difficult decision to move to a district where we feel his needs will be met and he will thrive.  Additionally, all of our children will be in the same school, which is of utmost importance to us.  One HUGE added bonus?  We'll be closer to our family whose support is invaluable on this journey.

Our decision may baffle some, but it is not one we have made lightly and has been made with confidence.  What happens inside the walls of a home and behind closed doors can be very different from what the outside world sees.  It is difficult to understand someone else's journey when you are not living it.  I think these statements are true for people in all walks of life.  The greatest gift you can give someone, even if you are not in agreement with their decision, is respect.  It truly makes a difference.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this process is to trust your gut.  Your intuition is an amazing gift.  It is so important to remember that what's right for someone else, may not be right for you and you know what?  That's okay.

All of my life I have heard my grandmother say, "To each his own."

Oh how right she is.

The Hamster Wheel

Have you ever felt like you were running round and round and getting nowhere?!

You have?  So glad I'm not alone.

I am in a late thirties haze.

There are so many decisions to be made and paths leading to alternate routes in my life right now I simply don't know which way is up.

There is one thing I know for sure:  I am slowly transitioning from the stay-at-home mom phase into new territory, yet that path and the final destination is such a mystery.  There are obstacles, options, and dreams on the horizon, but I am finding it to be incredibly frustrating and overwhelming to overcome and achieve.

Life would be so easy if we could just set our mind to something and it happened, yet we all know that is far cry from the truth.  It takes hard work and time to persevere and there are always setbacks along the way.  The biggest hurdle is not succumbing to those obstacles.  Finding a way to power through.

These obstacles have me second-guessing and doubting a lot these days.

I'm on that damn wheel and, while it may entertain the hamster, I am finding it to be an anxiety-producing, frustrating time in my life.

Transitioning out of this phase of life seems like a new beginning; one similar to the adventure I embarked on after my college graduation, yet filled with much more uncertainty.  Back then I felt like I could do anything.  Taking a risk was invigorating and fun.  After all, what was the worst-case scenario?  Failure?  Being unhappy?

Way back when it was easy to bounce back.  I was free to try again and the only person who felt any of the repercussions of the fallout was me.  Such a far cry from life these days.

Once again I am restless, wondering what is coming next.  Patience is not my strong suit and the itch for an adventure is waiting to be scratched.  The desire to succeed is prominent.

I'll keep on running, but pray my feet will land on solid ground soon.

The journey continues.

  

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

A few days ago, after feeling a little perplexed by the demands that come with four kids and summertime "fun," I updated my FB status:  "Once upon a time there was a young woman who was punctual, organized, in shape, and relatively put together...and then she had four kids.  The end."

This thought has entered my mind several times, not only this summer, but throughout the past several years.  Life just seems so damn overwhelming and chaotic and I find myself struggling to come up with a plan that I can implement and actually see some sort of positive outcome from.  I know, I know.  Someday life won't be like this and I'll miss it, but seriously, a Type A person who likes to feel in control can only take so much.

Which leaves me where exactly?  I suppose baby steps would be the logical answer, so baby steps it is.  One, little freaking baby step at a time...ugh.  So not my strong suit (insert nervous laughter).  I like to see results and fast, so being patient through this process is going to be the ultimate challenge.

Where does one begin who wants to see dramatic results in the least amount of time?

Likely inside of my home.  Four kids and two adults equals a whole lot of stuff.  I have gone through and decluttered my home several times over in my mind, but to actually do it seems completely overwhelming.  First, there will be the ridiculous attachment both my kids and I have to items we've been gifted.  Secondly, there are the massive temper tantrums and complaining that will ensue when we part with anything (and I do mean anything) from the offspring.  Lastly, the time.  This is a project that seems like you just need to dive in and tackle head on, kind of Tasmanian Devil-like, but how in the heck am I going to accomplish that with the littles around all day?

Hmmm...I need a plan.  If it follows suit to past home project aspirations, it will likely remain in the planning stage, yet I need it to happen.  For reasons I don't want to disclose at this particular time, I need to get my darn house decluttered, so it needs to become a project that is seen through to the finish and it needs to happen soon.

I know once it is complete the weight of the world will be lifted off of my shoulders, but still, so much work (and screaming fits, people sneaking things out of the piles, etc.).  Once this project is done I'll be back to post my after pictures and likely to gloat about how, after three years of saying I need to declutter, I actually did it!

It is the first step toward my ultimate goal of feeling a little more centered.  Most things in my life have gone awry over the past few years and it really is time to regain some control.

It may require a few cocktails along the way (or each day, who am I kidding?!), but if I can devise a realistic plan filled with attainable goals the ball might get rolling and just keep on going.

Time to lose the excuses.

Ode to the Mamas

Mamas, you're amazing.

Most days you may feel like you aren't living up to the expectations you've placed on yourself, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, you are far surpassing the expectations of others.

Mamas, we put an insurmountable amount of pressure on ourselves.

Please remember, even if the day doesn't go the way you had planned, even if the house is a mess, or you've yelled at your kids, or you're still in your yoga pants, you're enough.

Mamas, you're more than enough.

You wear many hats:  wife, mom, friend, teacher, nurse, chef, chauffeur, cheerleader, counselor, housecleaner extraordinaire...and you do it well.  You sacrifice sleep, time to yourself, and even a meal here and there to make the world go round for those living under your roof.

Mamas, go ahead.  Give yourself a high five, a pat on the back, toot your horn...you've earned it.

Being a mom is often a thankless job, but if your kids are fed, clothed, thriving, and smiling...you've done your job and you've done it well.

Bravo, mamas.  Bravo.

#theyearofpeople

Mamas, Listen Up

I recently finished Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton.  I have wanted to read this book for a LONG time, but could never find it in my library system.  About a month ago it finally showed up in my search, so I immediately put it on hold.  The old saying rings true:  "Good things come to those who wait."

The book was awesome in a quirky, I'm chatting with a girlfriend, tell it like it is way.  I loved every minute of it.  Don't expect a sequential, organized story, but short stories that ultimately make up the story of her life.  She has overcome and the truth she speaks, her view on the world, and the kindness she inspires will leave you feeling motivated to look at life a little differently.

It really couldn't have come at a better time.  There was one particular part in the book that just spoke to my soul during this time in my life.  I'm going to paraphrase a bit of it.  Go check out the book to get the rest.  I'm sure there's something in there that will speak to you, too.

"Every single child is gifted.  And every child has challenges.  It's just that in the educational system, some gifts and challenges are harder to see."

"And as parents, we can help.  We can help out kids who struggle in school believe that they're okay.  It's just that there's only one way to help them.  And it's hard.  We have to actually believe that our kids are okay."

"Because here's what I believe:  a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he's not okay, as long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is okay.  Because that's all they're asking, isn't it?  Mama, am I okay?"

"In the end, a child will call the rest of the world liars and believe his mama.  So when he asks us with his eyes and heart if he's okay, let's tell him:  'Yes, baby.  You are okay...'"

Oh, cue the tears.  This was just the little piece of wisdom I needed to hear this week.

I have a little guy who wants nothing more than to please others, do the right thing, and have positive relationships with his peers.  From the outside, you would think this wouldn't be a challenge, but when you peel away the layers and break into the core of who he is, it is, indeed, very difficult.

He has trouble following directions, controlling his emotions, and engaging appropriately with other kids.  He is high energy, quick to act, and as stubborn as they come.  He is independent, strong-willed, and loud.  Very, very loud.

He is my son.  My adorable little gift from God that challenges me repeatedly on a daily basis.  He is loving, athletic, and creative.  He is a thinker, a daredevil, and a jokester.  He has the best laugh and would love nothing more than to be moving all day long.

His gifts can be a challenge for others to see.  Us included.

His temper, unwillingness to cooperate at times, and emotional outbursts cause people to stare.  I have had plenty of people give me "the look."  You know, the one where they are implying you are an incompetent parent and have no idea how to control your child after observing you for half a second.

I have received phone calls and emails from school letting me know he is struggling, being uncooperative, and having difficulty controlling his emotions.  There are times when I am at a loss, because I'm more than aware of the issues at hand, but receive resistance when I suggest we create a modified plan for his educational setting.

I have feared for his safety too many times to count when he has impulsively taken off when he should stay close.  I feel sad when he shares his frustration and struggles at school and with his peers.  I feel horrible when I personally reach my breaking point and just want him to chill out and cooperate.

It is, to say the least, a challenge day in and day out.

But I know God has a plan for this spunky, cute, little blond-haired, blue-eyed boy of ours.  I'm convinced he'll be quite successful someday given his persistence and tenacity, but first we'll need to work through the struggles and spend more time focused on his gifts rather than his challenges.

We'll need to make sure that he knows he's okay, even when school is a struggle, which it is proving to be already.  We'll need to make sure he knows he's okay, especially when his peers hurt his feelings with their words and actions.  We'll need to make sure he knows he's okay, when he notices his differences (which he undoubtedly already has) and simply wants to control himself and do the right thing.

But most of all, we will hold that little boy close and tell him how much he is loved.  We will fight tooth and nail to do what is right for him regardless of the roadblocks that are put in our way.  We won't stop until we find the right people to help him along the way.

Because we believe.

He is okay.  He is more than okay.  He is wonderful.

And he'll believe that, because his mama said it's true.

Let it Go, Mama. Let it Go.

Guilt.

I've spent a lot of time over the last nine years feeling guilty and I am giving myself permission to say goodbye to that nasty "g" word.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend and I took the morning off.  On a dreary, rainy Saturday, we left the kids with our husbands and went and sat in a coffee shop. We had other plans, too, but we never really got to them.

Instead, we talked.  These talks are like therapy sessions, but without the awkwardness and cost.  I always feel like it's a safe place to vent and I typically leave feeling refreshed and a little more grounded.

That day I left pondering this question:  Mamas-why do we feel so much guilt?!

After mulling this around a bit, I think I may have a hypothesis:  our expectations far exceed what is realistic.  In an era of Pinterest, Facebook, countless blogs, and other online sources, we have succumbed to this idealistic world that REALLY.DOESN'T.EXIST.

It is a false perception.

We live in a kid-centered country.  Most of us have been fooled into thinking our kids' childhoods should be filled with non-stop fun:  camps, never-ending sports leagues, well thought out crafts and projects, educational opportunities, and a whole lot more stuff.  They should be happy, challenged, and entertained.  It should be magical and if we're not living up to those expectations, we are failing.

We're supposed to be the keepers of the house, chef, teacher, doctor, chauffeur, event planner, therapist all rolled up into one and if we don't do it with a smile on our face, we are failing.

But you know what?  Screw that.

I cannot tell you how many times I have beaten myself up for not having a clean enough house, not playing with my kids enough, yelling too much, being BORED out of my mind at home, not providing enough opportunities for my kids, not spending enough quality time with my husband (you know what I mean)...blah, blah, blah.

We are cheating ourselves and causing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.  We're creating a fantasy world for our kids and no one will be able to live up to their expectations.  Maybe worst of all, we're setting an example I don't think we want our kids to try to replicate when they're parents.

Enough.  I am done.

I am done with the never-ending guilt.

My kids will soon be home with me for three whole months (yikes!).  They will soon be introduced to a wonderful new-to-our family home responsibility chart.  It will not be fun, but it will become a part of life.  If they're lucky, my husband and I will remember to follow through with our compensation plan, but if not, they'll survive.

They will be forced to figure out how to fill their days.  Sure, we'll be taking vacations and going on some outings, but there will be plenty of days when they'll have to learn to get along and play.  We'll throw in some tv/video game time, but I'm seriously considering tossing them outdoors most days and locking the doors (sorry neighbors).

I will lose my temper and yell.  Kids will cry and sit in time out.  We will all survive.

I'll hire a sitter some days just to get out and away from what is most definitely going to be a loud and argumentative household on any given day.  I'm going to go do something fun and relaxing and not feel one single bit guilty.

I'm going to carve out time to take care of myself and go on dates with my husband.  Regularly.  We are going to have FUN!

So, here's what I say to all of you who have this cloud of guilt hovering over you.  Let it go.

These magical, fun-filled, over-scheduled childhoods we've unnecessarily plagued ourself with need to go.  Just purge your mind of that idea and do it now.  Even if you think you haven't bought into the hype, I can guarantee you, in some way you unknowingly have.  How can you avoid it when you're surrounded by snippets of people's wonderful lives every single day?

When I was a kid my childhood wasn't magical.  It's certainly no knock against my parents.  I passed my days playing with stuffed animal "friends," reading books, watching tv, playing outdoors, and had the privilege of playing with a friend here and there (I lived in the country and these were really a big deal.  And for the love, they were NOT called play dates...we just played).

For the most part, I'd say I turned out just fine.  When I think of my childhood, my memories are filled with happiness, good times, and special moments.  I had fun, but a lot of that fun I conjured up myself.

Mamas, let's all be kind to each other.  Stop judging, stop beating yourself up, and love yourself and your family for who they are.

We're all doing the best we can.  I think we'd feel a whole lot better if we would just let up on ourselves, enjoy life a whole lot more, and realize that there is no such thing as perfect.

Not even close.

See you later guilt!  We've had enough!

#theyearofpeople

Shame Sucks

Shame.

Naturally we have all experienced shame throughout our lives, but what impact has it had on your life?

I felt a lot of shame as a teenager.  I struggled immensely with peer relationships in middle and high school and it left me feeling terribly embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed.  I made poor decisions in an effort to try and fit in and really lost myself for quite a long time. Those struggles followed me into my twenties and it took awhile to break free from the destructive behavior I used to mask the shame, but I did.  I look back on the choices that I made and cringe, but I've learned to offer myself grace and be thankful that I eventually got on the straight and narrow path.

I'd love to say that by my thirties that shame magically disappeared, but I'd be lying.  It is still a part of my life.  I've made progress, but that teenager can still be found within.  When I find myself in a situation where I struggle with a relationship, that doubt and shame tends to creep back in.  It no longer leads me on a path of destruction, but I find myself distancing myself from the person and situation.

It makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and unsure.  I absolutely hate conflict, because in my experience all those years ago, conflict resulted in the demise of that relationship.  These sentiments make it quite difficult when conflict arises with those who aren't going anywhere in my life:  my husband, family, neighbors, and close friends.  Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to explain it.

There are times when I imagine how life may be different if I hadn't been a part of so many failed relationships.  To this day, when it comes to friendship, I am cautious.  It takes a long time to feel out potential friends and even when I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't.  The guard tends to stay up.

Oddly enough, I feel no shame talking about my struggles.  It is simply a part of my story and when I reflect on where my life is at now, I can see how those feelings have resulted in a woman who is stronger, braver, and more driven than I ever would have imagined.  I have goals and the desire to make some really big dreams a reality.

Perhaps sharing my story will help someone else feel less ashamed; less alone in their struggles.  Not too long ago, I returned to my alma mater to speak to a group of current students and shared this very painful part of my past.   It was part of the journey and if you could see how all of the pieces have fit together, I guess you could say everything happens for a reason.

At the conclusion of the presentation, a very sweet twenty-something girl came up to me, looked me in the eye, and simply said, "I just want to give you a hug."  Perhaps sharing my struggles touched her in a way I will never know.

The moral of this story?  Shame is like a pesky weed that just won't go away.  It can have a negative effect on our decision-making process and the way we perceive ourselves, but ultimately, it doesn't have to define us.  In fact, it can pull you out of your shell when you least expect it and push you to levels you never thought possible.

This Mother's Day, I'm treating myself to a book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown.  I've read Rising Strong once already this year, but it belongs on my bookshelf along with The Gift of Imperfection, I Thought it Was Just Me (But it Isn't):  Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, and Daring Greatly.

If We're Honest

One of my favorite songs right now is "If We're Honest" by Francesca Battistelli.  From the first time I heard it, this song has spoken to me on so many levels.  Each time I hear it, there is a specific line that talks to me that day.  We are living in a time when truth is hard to discern and honesty isn't always easy to come by.

"Truth is harder than a lie.  The dark seems safer than the light.  Everyone has a heart that loves to hide."

In this tech-centered, ever-busy, oversharing nation we live in, what IS truth?

The lines have become very blurred.  Every day we are exposed to media that twists the truth to make it newsworthy and improve ratings.  We are knee-deep in an election season filled with candidates who wouldn't know honesty if it struck them upside the head.  People lie, cheat, and steal to get to the top all while falsely claiming their innocence.

How often do you keep our thoughts to ourselves for fear of ridicule?  How many dreams go unfulfilled for fear of failure?  How many suffer silently for fear of confiding in others?

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing our life to the small glimpse we see of others' lives and feeling less than.  If we really understood the whole picture; the true lives we all live each and every day, I am certain most of us would have a different opinion of ourselves, our families, and our own lives.

Truth is subjective.

"I'm a mess and so are you.  We've built walls nobody can get through." 

On the surface, many of us appear to have it together.  We plaster on our smile, hide behind our busyness, and assure everyone that all is okay...even if it's not and in all likelihood there are days/weeks/months/years when it is not.  

With less face-to-face and verbal contact, we seem to be losing authenticity in our relationships.  We can hide behind the screens and say what comes to mind, without seeing the effect those words have on those on the receiving end.  We can also hide behind a less-than-truthful response with no one present to call us on our bluff.

Social media outlets, email, and texting are impacting our relationships and not in the most positive of ways.  Rather than delving deeper into our relationships through conversation, we skim the top layer through brief texts and chats.  Many of our relationships never develop past the surface level.  We are afraid to share our true selves, but in looking at the bigger picture, we are "too busy" putting everyone else first to take the time to grow a relationship through time spent together and actually talking.

It is the way of communication in the 21st century, but personally I think it sucks.

"Yeah it may be hard but the best things we could ever do.  Ever do.  Bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest."  

Maybe our lives would feel more complete and fulfilled if we dropped the act, put ourselves out there, and took the time to really connect with people.

"Don't pretend to be something that you're not.  Living life afraid of getting caught.  There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross.  At the cross."

It can be easy to walk through life and be the person we feel others want us to be:  the devoted wife, doting mother, PTA president, Sunday school teacher, career woman, volunteer extraordinaire...but if you tune everyone out and listen to the voice within, you may find you're not on the right path.

Do you feel fulfilled and alive?  If not, it's time to stop pretending and begin striving to live an intentional, purposeful life that fills you up.  The benefits will extend far beyond yourself.

"So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest." 

Conflict is uncomfortable, yet it's a part of life.  Personally it is something I struggle with immensely.  I am a stuffer.  Rather than confronting someone and resolving the issue, I tend to stuff it down where it stays and festers and ultimately leads to resentment.

While I realize stuffing is not healthy, I will avoid sitting down with someone at all costs to resolve an issue.  My verbal skills stink.  I can write my thoughts very succinctly, but I cannot articulate them out loud, because I get emotional and flustered very quickly.

In my situation, the brokenness tends to remain broken.  Rather than healing, I temporarily bandage the wound only to find it to return time and time again.

Perhaps you can relate.  Do you push everything down and never heal the brokenness?

It is time to heal no matter how hard it may be.

"It would change our lives.  It would set us free.  It's what we need to be."

Can you imagine how wonderful it would feel to share your story, resolve conflict, and forgive yourself and others?

My current struggle is figuring out the next chapter in life.  It's letting go of the guilt and accepting that it's okay to pursue big dreams.  In fact, it's better than ok.  It's really magnificent, honorable, and a great example for the little ones who are watching.  We only get one shot at this life and our days are numbered.

I just need to give myself permission and not look back.  My guess is you do, too.

"So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest." 

The first person we need to be honest with?  Ourselves.  We need to search within and find our truth. To heal the wounds we've likely inflicted upon ourselves (ahem, "mom guilt" or"I'm not enough" syndrome anyone?!) and those that involve others.

Let go of the facade and live a life of truth.  Stop creating expectations we cannot live up to and accept our limitations.  Make personal relationships a priority rather than a luxury.  Stop hiding behind screens and take the time to actually see people.

Perhaps the best gift of all is to free ourselves.  Eliminate the negative self-talk and accept that while our marriages..children..homes..bodies..friendships...etc. are far from perfect, we are doing our best.

 "If we're honest.  If we're honest.  If we're honest."

My life may be messy, broken, and imperfect.

If we're being honest, yours probably is, too.

#theyearofpeople

Bottle It Up

There are times I wish I could bottle up the energy and motivation that seems to overtake me at times.  I'd like to crack it open on the days when the polar opposite is true just to give me the extra boost I need to keep moving forward.

For example, earlier this week I was feeling very low.  I was experiencing a lot of self-doubt and questioning many things and then, BAM!  Out of nowhere, my mindset shifted and the energy and motivation I so badly needed has returned.

I have to admit, I get a lot more done when I'm feeling energized and driven, but who doesn't?

Perhaps part of my shift in focus was in part due to reading the latest book by a blogger/author I really connect with.  I just finished reading Kristen Welch's latest book Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World:  How One Family Learned that Saying No Can Lead to Life's Biggest Yes and all those nagging thoughts hanging out in my head are coming to the surface.

Parenting is no easy gig.  Each day there is at last one shit storm (if not more) in my house and I can't help but feel like we're failing as parents, but I need to focus less on those nasty moments and see the positives that are sprinkled throughout the day.

My kids are at a tough age.  They are becoming more opinionated, argumentative, and challenging, but it's our job as parents to guide them in the right direction.  I need to keep this in mind, because I am not a very good example at times when my pressure gauge is at high and I explode.  I just want to wave my magic wand and have some peace within the walls of our home, but we all know that's not going to happen.

It's going to be a journey.  One that will continue for many, many years.  For the most part my kids are going through very natural phases, but the desire for more, more, more and the lack of appreciation at times for what they do get to do and have leaves this mama a little unsettled.

So, it's time to take a step back.  It's time to spend some time devising a plan that will give our kids a new perspective and get them involved in more hands-on service activities.  It's great to talk about it and give money or material items to a cause, but it's a whole lot different to actually be in the trenches and doing something.

I have begun to understand this even more as I continue on my journey with From Cover to Cover.  It's ever-changing and more opportunities for hands-on involvement are presenting themselves.  It fills me up and I want my kids to feel that overwhelming sense of joy and contentment that comes with actively serving others.

It's all about finding the right opportunities now and moving our family in the right direction.

I'm feeling pretty motivated right now and I hope it continues.

I encourage you to get your hands on a copy of her book and you may feel the same.

#theyearofpeople

The Struggle

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many times were we asked this question while growing up?  Probably too many to count.  As young, adventurous, carefree kids, we likely answered with a confident, emphatic answer.  I know my kids do.  So far I have a MLB baseball player, a zookeeper, and a dad respectively.  

Oddly, enough, though, I feel like this question keeps popping up again, but it has nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with me.  Nearly every day I find myself struggling with some form of this very question.  

One short month from now will mark the 9 year anniversary in my current position:  stay-at-home mom.  It's a job I've poured myself into.  I've given birth to 4 amazing kids and watched them grow through their various phases of development for 9 years.  I should feel blessed I have had this opportunity, but for the better part of those 9 years I've been incredibly restless.  It's a major struggle and one I beat myself up over quite a bit.

Last week my husband and I had the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid vacation to Puerto Rico.  My husband worked hard last year and closed many deals, landing him in the President's Club of his company.  Pretty awesome stuff.

For five days, I was surrounded by adults (no children...none) and engaged in conversation with people I had never met before.  I was also surrounded by people who work hard, meet goals, and are rewarded for their hard work whether it be a paycheck, closing a deal, praise from a boss/colleague, or a free trip and I felt this pang of envy.

Being a full-time mom is hard and more times than not, it lacks positive feedback.  As I was struggling through another morning getting the kids ready for school, I broke.  A temper-tantrum leading to a broken bowl of oatmeal scattered all over the kitchen coupled with all of the little people in my house fighting and arguing over the most ridiculous things ("I was at the table first, you moved my drawing on the refrigerator, you turned that light on so I'm not turning it off...") confirmed what I have known for a very long time:  I have reached the point in my life where being home all.of.the.time is really not good for anyone involved.

That trip last week was a much-needed breath of fresh air.  I could think clearly and I was happy.  I know, who wouldn't be happy relaxing on an island?  It was more than that, though.  I wasn't feeling this overwhelming sense of suffocation, stress, and annoyance.  I felt human.

So here I sit at a crossroad struggling with a wide variety of emotions.  I have some work to do, decisions to make, and the need to make a commitment to figure out how to resolve these issues.  It will be no small feat, but I pray that I can refocus on the small business I started, tweak some things, and create an opportunity to maintain a flexible work schedule while helping to not only support my family, but to feed the desire within to feel productive, challenged, and stimulated.

Admitting this struggle is half the solution.  The rest is finally putting a plan into action.

The journey continues...

#theyearofpeople

   

    

Focus

I just finished reading Breaking Busy by Alli Worthington and as I was reading it, I found myself thinking, "Yes.  This is what I needed to hear."  It truly was a welcome reminder to forgo those activities and commitments that I feel I should do out of obligation to make room for those that truly fit within my vision of my life's purpose.

As a mom, staying on course can be a real challenge, especially when our lives are all cluttered up with an abundance of outside noise, expectations, and the demands of raising a family.  It feels as if each time I devise a concrete plan, set my goals, and work to achieve them, I get derailed and once I do, it is hard to get back on track.  Some of the circumstances are out of my control, but other times it is simply my inability to focus.

One day my good friend asked me what I meant when I suggested tuning out the "outside noise."  To me, outside noise consists of these factors in our environment that may be unwanted and cause us to feel overloaded and overwhelmed:  unsolicited opinions and advice, time-sucking activities, and all of those things we "think" we should be doing, but have no desire to do and only entertain them due to societal pressure.

Outside noise simply creates a lot of unwanted static in our minds and we need to do our best to tune it out in order to live a fulfilling and purposeful life.  If we don't, we'll find ourselves swimming upstream and feeling angry, frustrated, and stressed.

Trying to live up to everyone's expectations is also a surefire way to sink the ship.  One of the hardest and most stressful transitions I have experienced during the last decade of my life has been accepting that not living up to other's expectations when they don't coincide with your vision is okay.

I have found this to be the most difficult when it comes to our extended families.  As a new wife and young mom, I found myself running around like crazy doing my best to please them.  This was especially true during the holidays.  We would haul our kids from place to place, get very little sleep, and when it was all said and done, it was guaranteed most or all of us would end up sick once we got back home.  The holidays, a time intended to be filled with joy, had become incredibly stressful and draining.

As I grew older and our family continued to grow, I really struggled to do this year after year.  Finally, it all came to a head and my husband and I had a heart-to-heart talk about letting go of those expectations and doing what was in the best interest of our family.  We agreed that in the end, our family of six comes first and we will make the best decisions for our family regardless of the expectations that have been set.  It doesn't always go over well with others, but in the end we know we are making the right decision.  This was a very big and important step for us and has paved the way in our decision making process ever since.

The same can be said about the expectations we feel pressing down on us in our every day lives:  the committees we should join, the activities we should provide for our kids, the food we should prepare for our families, the way we should dress...the list goes on and on.  They can be so draining and distracting, but with some discipline and learning to say, "No," we can stay the course.  I am learning to listen my gut.  If I feel hesitant and unsettled about an opportunity, I simply decline.  No excuses, no guilt.  Just, "No."  

Ultimately, life's demands are likely our biggest distraction.  Kids, husband, outside commitments...they all add up.  Finding time to see a project through can be a challenge, but if it's something we truly want, we will find a way to make it work.

We just need to focus and rid our lives of as many distractions as possible (the husbands and kids have to stay!).  This is easier said than done, but with some conscious effort and a little life makeover, progress can be made.

Today is International Women's Day.  I don't really get into all of these days of (fill in the blank), but this one happens to resonate with me.  I have a few really big dreams (to grow From Cover to Cover in a big way and write a book) I would like to become a reality and deep down inside I know nothing really stands in my way except myself.

I am going to vow to Break Busy, let go of the doubt and fear, and FOCUS on the steps I need to take to make this a reality.  I know with utmost certainty my current purpose in life is to help make a difference in the lives of kids not only in my community but all over this country.  My job is to get books in their hands and create programs to help them further develop their literacy skills, while raising awareness about the need to improve the quality of education for those living in poverty.  My purpose is to give these kids some hope and a better opportunity to succeed.

It sounds like a massive undertaking, but it lies heavy on my heart.  Time to tune out the outside noise, let go of expectations, and effectively manage my time and the demands of everyday life.

My motto?  "Be the change you want to see in the world." (Gandhi)  One day, one opportunity at a time.

One day I will be the co-founder of a national charitable organization and I'll write to tell about it.

#OneDayIWill

Oh the Heartache

I don't think I understood how badly my heart would hurt as a mom.  You know... that sinking sensation and the ache you feel when you're disappointed, let down, or just feeling blue.  It's hard when you experience it first-hand, but I was not prepared for it to hurt even more when one of my little ones is having a tough time.

There are times when I feel like I am reliving experiences from my childhood and boy does it hurt.  I've not been shy about sharing my difficulties with peer relationships growing up.  I struggled from middle school through college and it had a lasting impact on me.  

I often felt misunderstood, alone, and on the outside looking in.  I didn't really find a peaceful place until after I graduated from college and moved far away from home.  To be honest, I still struggle with this at times and I'm well into my thirties.    

Those experiences have caused me to be very cautious when exploring new relationships and it is why my circle of trusted friends is quite small by most people's standards.  But you know what?  I'm okay with that.  

I think this is why it is so hard when my kids come to me with their relationship struggles.  I would give anything for them to not have to feel the heartache I did for all those years.  I know they'll find their way, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

There are times I want to march out and find the kids who are calling my kids names and just plain being mean.  I want to tell them to include my child and not make them feel unworthy.  That mama bear wants to come out and protect her cubs, but I don't.  

I listen.  

I comfort them and do my best to encourage them to stay true to who they are.  

A wonderful, inspiring author I have the privilege of knowing tells kids all over this country these words that are so true:  "Stay true to who you are.  Your people are out there and one day they'll find you."  

In the meantime, I'll do my best to encourage my kids to keep their heads up.  I'll encourage them to seek out kids who they feel like they can be their true selves with and not have to change to fit in.  I'll comfort them, hug them, and hold them when they cry.  I'll pray for their people to show up.

I'll also let them know how loved they are; how they are a wonderful gift from God and a true blessing to our family.  

They have tender, caring hearts and I have the utmost faith one day they'll use their tender-hearted souls to make a positive difference in this world.  

Until then, I'll continue to pray for their safety, health, and well-being.  And if the big guy upstairs is listening, I pray He'll place kindness on the hearts of kids everywhere.  

#kindnessrevolution

#theyearofpeople  

   

  

Silencing the Critic

I gotta tell you all.  This "year of people" is going to be filled with many rewarding moments, but it is also shaping up to have many, many challenges along the way, too.

The cynicism and negativity that encompasses our country right now is almost unbearable.  It has spread its ugly wings into nearly every facet of our lives and it is such an uncomfortable, undesirable place to be.  Imagine how different our lives would be if we were surrounded by people who looked for the best in others.  Who assumed good things would happen rather than expecting the worst.  Imagine how great it would be if people spent more time building others up rather than tearing them down.

Our world would be much more peaceful and civil if people woke each day and made one simple choice:  to be kind to others.

This negative, downward spiral seems to be everywhere.  From politics to the news coverage, schools to places of business, neighborhoods and communities, and everywhere in between.  For some reason people tend to focus on the worst case scenario rather than the best.  They speak down to others and exert their power rather than listening and working side-by-side.  When they don't agree, they take to slinging words and dig in their heels with little to no willingness to compromise.  How are we ever going to move forward as a community, state, or country when very few are willing to listen to or work with those whose opinions differ?

Oh, it is so sad.

I have dealt with this on a personal level more times than I'd like to count and if you've put yourself out there at all,  I'm willing to bet you have too.  You see, by nature I'm a doer.  I have a difficult time sitting idly by waiting for something to happen.  For someone else to step up.  For a change to occur.  I inherited this trait from my father and as I grow older, I see this more and more.  My dad worked hard to make his community a better place and I aspire to do the same.  I am fortunate to have a great example to follow.  

I like to solve problems.  I enjoy creating groups to meet a need in my community and connecting people to one another.  There are times I step in to fill a void or I get a group up and running and, once it's established, step away.  Other times, when there is a cause I am extremely passionate about, I set the plan into motion and work tirelessly to make it successful and find a way to make it grow. The creation and success of From Cover to Cover is a prime example.  

It is simply how I am wired and though it can be frustrating and exhausting along the way, it is all done for the right reasons and comes from a good place.  I think it's safe to say that is how most of the doers out there feel.    

That is why unfair judgement and negativity can be so devastating.  The pressure for perfectionism and the unrealistic expectations that accompany that is likely why few people are willing to put themselves out there to be part of a movement for change.  It is why we have a lot of doers doing nothing at all. 

Being a doer is not easy.  I'll be the first to admit I am easily offended.  My feelings have been hurt more times than I can count and I really struggle with the criticism and pessimism that often accompanies the suggestion of change.  What bothers me the most, though, are people who make assumptions before bothering to find out the facts.  People who close the door before they even listen to what you have to say.  It is the trend of our society and if we're ever going to make positive progress, this mindset needs to change.  Let us be open-minded, tolerant, and positive.  Above all, let us be kind.

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, starts her best book (in my opinion) Daring Greatly with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

Last week my husband and I spoke to a group of college students at our alma mater.  We concluded our presentation with this quote, because we truly believe in being the person in the arena.  We believe in change and positive progress.  Whether you fail or succeed, it is better to be face down in the arena marred with dust and sweat and blood than choosing to do nothing for fear of creating something less than perfect or failure.  

The only thing worse is being the critic in the stands.

Deep down everyone is a doer.  I hope we inspired those college students to get into the arena.  I hope you will get in the arena, too.  I'm certain your little corner of the world will benefit from that voice, that whisper urging you to get out there and try.  There will be people around every corner who will do their best to deter you, make you second-guess yourself, and cover you with their cloud of negativity, but if you dig deep enough and believe in yourself, you'll overcome those obstacles.  You may fail a time or two, but stay positive.  And kind.  One day you'll get there.  

The day will come when you'll look out at the critics in the stands and smile knowing you've succeeded.    

    

             

       

     

  

From the Ground Up

Food for thought.  

I am becoming more and more frustrated with the chatter in our society, especially during this political season, regarding the lower class and those living in poverty. So many are referred to as being lazy, undeserving of hand-outs, thugs, etc. Sure, there are people that fit into that category (let us not forget there are people in other social classes who fit into that category as well), but my heart breaks for those who come from families who have lived in poverty for generations. They are at the bottom of a mountain looking up from day one.

It's hard to become a "productive citizen," when your basic needs aren't met. It's hard to become a good student when you are hungry, tired, and do not have the tools at home to practice the very skills you are taught at school.  It's hard to understand how to be socially appropriate when violence surrounds you and you don't have positive role models.  

Some are able to escape, but many are not and the cycle continues.

It is my hope that people realize how important it is for education equality and reform. The above-mentioned statistic has always troubled me, which is why I feel compelled to do what I can to make a difference, however big or small it may be. Children growing up in poverty have the deck stacked against them. It is a world we cannot even begin to understand, yet there are so many who are quick to judge and make generalizations.

Let's face it. Education for middle and upper class children is far superior to that of their low-income peers. Low-income schools are underfunded and in disrepair. They do not have the necessary materials and tools needed for learning and the extra support and enrichment activities are lacking.  

They do not have PTA's who raise thousands of dollars each year to provide the teachers and school with the "extras." I found an article on the Waiting for Superman Facebook page that touches on this subject to be very thought-provoking.  

Plain and simple there is a large achievement gap and it needs to be remedied. Take this local example: Monroe (Davenport) vs. Hopewell (Pleasant Valley). Now look at the nation's biggest cities:

It is a huge reason why we work so hard at From Cover to Cover to get something as simple as books into kids' homes, but it's so much more than that. We want those kids to know we care and that they matter.  We want them to know that there are people who are in their corner and supporting them.

It is why we continue to forge ahead, grow our programs, and find more money to reach our goals.  It is also why the ultimate goal is to expand our organization and start branches in different parts of the country.  Proficient literacy skills are imperative for future success.  We just pray that our little dream grows into a big, huge, amazing organization someday. 

A true cultural shift will not occur until our local, state, and national governments address this problem in a productive way and come up with a plan to truly lead the efforts to make a change.  

Those of us who live a life of privilege need to step up to the plate, too.  If you have a safe place to sleep, food on the table, and clothes on your back then I'm talking to you.  It's about more than donating food, clothes, or money from afar.  Those are all great gifts, but it's time to get your hands dirty, get in the trenches, and see first-hand what is going on.  Bring your children along, too.

I recently came across this thought by Father Murray Powell in a book I'm reading (Rising Strong by Brene Brown):  "When you look away from a homeless person, you are diminishing their humanity and your own."

It would be so refreshing if those of us who can would take the attitude of "how can I help" rather than "they don't deserve."    

In the next week I have the privilege to speak to high school juniors and college students regarding the work that is done through From Cover to Cover.  I am excited and know these opportunities are for a greater purpose.  My goal is to open some eyes, inspire the next generation, and leave them hungry to do something for the greater good.  

I want them to take that spark and light a fire.  

Our nation is so divided and people are willing to attack those who don't share the same viewpoint, often in extremely aggressive ways. The lack of respect people have for others is unnerving. So many are enraged and complain, yet stand idly by and do nothing to help.

It is time to turn the table. It is time to let go of the animosity and anger and turn it into productivity and hope. It's time to show up for those who need help and start the change train rolling. Hop on board.

#theyearofpeople