Perception vs. Reality

Truth.

How do we distinguish between what is actually true versus what we perceive to be the truth? 

How do we sift through the gray, hazy uncertainties of life to find the crystal clear sky?  

We listen.  We wait.  We seek answers to the questions that are causing us to feel unsteady, uncertain. 

If we're patient, persistent, one day we may be blessed with clarity. 

After years of uncertainty and haze, the fog has begun to life.  Each day the difference between perception and reality is slowly becoming more clear.  The truth has set me free and the elephant that has been crushing my chest for so many years has finally begun to retreat.  I am able to view life through a different lens and the peace and acceptance that accompanies this new perspective is welcomed with open arms.

So what changed?  

In order to understand this newfound view, we'll have to backtrack a bit.

Nearly four years ago there was a not-so-subtle shift in our family dynamics.  Our younger son learned to climb out of the crib while we were away for Thanksgiving and while this may seem like a right of passage, it marked the beginning of a very long and hard downward spiral.

It began with sleep problems that plagued us for nearly a year until our pediatrician suggested giving Melatonin a try.  Each and every night our two-year-old would fight bedtime for hours.  It would be 9 or 10 o'clock before he would fall asleep and each morning he would wake for the day between 4-5 in the morning.  He would not nap unless I strapped him in the van and drove around for hours.  It was exhausting for him, us, and our other kids. 

Soon after he began to exhibit extreme behavior issues and the rest, they say, is history.

For as long as I can remember I have loved children.  I was the first in line to babysit whenever an opportunity came around.  I had my career path chosen long before I ever graduated from high school.  Teaching young children with special needs came naturally to me and starting a family shortly after we got married was the obvious next chapter in our life.  

I was pretty confident I would be a great mom.  I'd cared for so many children over the years that I was not the least bit intimidated to have my own.  Having a large family was my dream and I was blessed to see that dream come to fruition.

My pre-kid self understood parenting would not always be sunshine and roses, but I was not prepared for how hard it would be once they arrived.  The endless nights of little sleep, chronic ear infections, reflux, and feelings of isolation took their toll, but there was an even larger challenge looming around the corner.  I was completely unprepared for the reality of raising a child with significant behavior challenges and the impact it would have on our marriage, other children, and me.

We love our little guy to pieces.  He has a megawatt smile, a killer hug, and is smarter than a whip, but his challenges over the last four years have resulted in a frustrating, exhausting, overwhelming, anxiety-producing period of life filled with many, many questions and very few answers.

Until now.   

For four years I have been buried in the trenches.  Feelings of helplessness and despair have consumed me.  I have thrown my hands in the air and said, "I give up" more times than I can count.  Nearly everyday a volcanic-like eruption would occur and at times it was debilitating.  It wore me down and somewhere along the way I lost confidence in my ability to parent.

I have felt like a failure as a mother and the shame that has accompanied those feelings has almost been unbearable at times.  I have wondered why I, the teacher with special education training, could not devise a plan to help improve the quality of life for all of us.  Why could I not help my son?  Why did nothing work?

I have spent years feeling embarrassed at the store, family gatherings, church, and everywhere in between because I could not "handle my child."  I've felt judged and inadequate.  People have offered their wisdom and advice, but it just never fit the needs of our boy.   

Each day I would wake feeling anxious and defeated before my feet ever hit the floor, because I knew the day would be filled with challenges.  Some would be minor, but many would be all-out tantrums, some filled with so much aggression it would be hard to manage.  It would impede my ability to run errands, ride in the van without complete and utter chaos, or to simply relax at home.  I was always on guard waiting for the next eruption to come and day in and day out, it always did. 

But now the tides have changed.

We finally have answers.  We finally have a cause.  We have finally begun a treatment plan.  

Have we seen any significant changes yet?  No.  In fact, some days it's worse, but our mindset has changed.  We finally have the truth and the truth has set us free.

After four long years of doing everything we could within reason to correct the perceived "problem" we can finally rest.  We can refrain from trying to mold him into something he is not because we feel like we are failing him.  Instead we have embraced the truth and been liberated to accept him as the amazing, energetic, bright boy who has some unique challenges.  

The shame and embarrassment has begun to wither away.  We have not failed as parents.  We cannot control his behavior and while it poses many challenges in our daily lives, it has become easier to accept now that we understand the root of the cause.  It has given us the freedom to let the cards fall as they may.  We don't have to swim against the current any longer.

We are able to set boundaries for our family and understand that "pushing through" is simply not an option.  It will only lead to frustration for all of us and our job, as parents, is to determine what is the best yes for our family.  We can do this freely and without guilt, because we have a much better understanding of how our decisions impact him and our family.  Guilt, obligations, pressure be gone.  In the end, it is the well-being of our family that matters the most.     

We can help our other children understand and be more patient and loving with them.  This is also a challenge for them and they handle it with such grace most of the time.  

I can forgive myself.  I can let go of the shame and guilt and move forward with confidence.  I have not failed my boy or my other kiddos.  I love them and do my best day in and day out to help them succeed.  Some days may look less than impressive, but it is all I have to give. 

Raising a family is not easy.  It is a messy, imperfect, exhausting venture, but the all-encompassing love I feel for those kids and my desire to protect and nurture them makes it all worth it.  I cannot change the past, but I can give it my best each and every day moving forward.  I can lock up those feelings of inadequacy and helplessness and toss away the key.  

I am enough.  My little boy is enough.  We are all enough.