How many times were we asked this question while growing up? Probably too many to count. As young, adventurous, carefree kids, we likely answered with a confident, emphatic answer. I know my kids do. So far I have a MLB baseball player, a zookeeper, and a dad respectively.
Oddly, enough, though, I feel like this question keeps popping up again, but it has nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with me. Nearly every day I find myself struggling with some form of this very question.
One short month from now will mark the 9 year anniversary in my current position: stay-at-home mom. It's a job I've poured myself into. I've given birth to 4 amazing kids and watched them grow through their various phases of development for 9 years. I should feel blessed I have had this opportunity, but for the better part of those 9 years I've been incredibly restless. It's a major struggle and one I beat myself up over quite a bit.
Last week my husband and I had the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid vacation to Puerto Rico. My husband worked hard last year and closed many deals, landing him in the President's Club of his company. Pretty awesome stuff.
For five days, I was surrounded by adults (no children...none) and engaged in conversation with people I had never met before. I was also surrounded by people who work hard, meet goals, and are rewarded for their hard work whether it be a paycheck, closing a deal, praise from a boss/colleague, or a free trip and I felt this pang of envy.
Being a full-time mom is hard and more times than not, it lacks positive feedback. As I was struggling through another morning getting the kids ready for school, I broke. A temper-tantrum leading to a broken bowl of oatmeal scattered all over the kitchen coupled with all of the little people in my house fighting and arguing over the most ridiculous things ("I was at the table first, you moved my drawing on the refrigerator, you turned that light on so I'm not turning it off...") confirmed what I have known for a very long time: I have reached the point in my life where being home all.of.the.time is really not good for anyone involved.
That trip last week was a much-needed breath of fresh air. I could think clearly and I was happy. I know, who wouldn't be happy relaxing on an island? It was more than that, though. I wasn't feeling this overwhelming sense of suffocation, stress, and annoyance. I felt human.
So here I sit at a crossroad struggling with a wide variety of emotions. I have some work to do, decisions to make, and the need to make a commitment to figure out how to resolve these issues. It will be no small feat, but I pray that I can refocus on the small business I started, tweak some things, and create an opportunity to maintain a flexible work schedule while helping to not only support my family, but to feed the desire within to feel productive, challenged, and stimulated.
Admitting this struggle is half the solution. The rest is finally putting a plan into action.
The journey continues...
#theyearofpeople
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