Ode to the Mamas

Mamas, you're amazing.

Most days you may feel like you aren't living up to the expectations you've placed on yourself, but I can tell you with utmost certainty, you are far surpassing the expectations of others.

Mamas, we put an insurmountable amount of pressure on ourselves.

Please remember, even if the day doesn't go the way you had planned, even if the house is a mess, or you've yelled at your kids, or you're still in your yoga pants, you're enough.

Mamas, you're more than enough.

You wear many hats:  wife, mom, friend, teacher, nurse, chef, chauffeur, cheerleader, counselor, housecleaner extraordinaire...and you do it well.  You sacrifice sleep, time to yourself, and even a meal here and there to make the world go round for those living under your roof.

Mamas, go ahead.  Give yourself a high five, a pat on the back, toot your horn...you've earned it.

Being a mom is often a thankless job, but if your kids are fed, clothed, thriving, and smiling...you've done your job and you've done it well.

Bravo, mamas.  Bravo.

#theyearofpeople

Mamas, Listen Up

I recently finished Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton.  I have wanted to read this book for a LONG time, but could never find it in my library system.  About a month ago it finally showed up in my search, so I immediately put it on hold.  The old saying rings true:  "Good things come to those who wait."

The book was awesome in a quirky, I'm chatting with a girlfriend, tell it like it is way.  I loved every minute of it.  Don't expect a sequential, organized story, but short stories that ultimately make up the story of her life.  She has overcome and the truth she speaks, her view on the world, and the kindness she inspires will leave you feeling motivated to look at life a little differently.

It really couldn't have come at a better time.  There was one particular part in the book that just spoke to my soul during this time in my life.  I'm going to paraphrase a bit of it.  Go check out the book to get the rest.  I'm sure there's something in there that will speak to you, too.

"Every single child is gifted.  And every child has challenges.  It's just that in the educational system, some gifts and challenges are harder to see."

"And as parents, we can help.  We can help out kids who struggle in school believe that they're okay.  It's just that there's only one way to help them.  And it's hard.  We have to actually believe that our kids are okay."

"Because here's what I believe:  a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he's not okay, as long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is okay.  Because that's all they're asking, isn't it?  Mama, am I okay?"

"In the end, a child will call the rest of the world liars and believe his mama.  So when he asks us with his eyes and heart if he's okay, let's tell him:  'Yes, baby.  You are okay...'"

Oh, cue the tears.  This was just the little piece of wisdom I needed to hear this week.

I have a little guy who wants nothing more than to please others, do the right thing, and have positive relationships with his peers.  From the outside, you would think this wouldn't be a challenge, but when you peel away the layers and break into the core of who he is, it is, indeed, very difficult.

He has trouble following directions, controlling his emotions, and engaging appropriately with other kids.  He is high energy, quick to act, and as stubborn as they come.  He is independent, strong-willed, and loud.  Very, very loud.

He is my son.  My adorable little gift from God that challenges me repeatedly on a daily basis.  He is loving, athletic, and creative.  He is a thinker, a daredevil, and a jokester.  He has the best laugh and would love nothing more than to be moving all day long.

His gifts can be a challenge for others to see.  Us included.

His temper, unwillingness to cooperate at times, and emotional outbursts cause people to stare.  I have had plenty of people give me "the look."  You know, the one where they are implying you are an incompetent parent and have no idea how to control your child after observing you for half a second.

I have received phone calls and emails from school letting me know he is struggling, being uncooperative, and having difficulty controlling his emotions.  There are times when I am at a loss, because I'm more than aware of the issues at hand, but receive resistance when I suggest we create a modified plan for his educational setting.

I have feared for his safety too many times to count when he has impulsively taken off when he should stay close.  I feel sad when he shares his frustration and struggles at school and with his peers.  I feel horrible when I personally reach my breaking point and just want him to chill out and cooperate.

It is, to say the least, a challenge day in and day out.

But I know God has a plan for this spunky, cute, little blond-haired, blue-eyed boy of ours.  I'm convinced he'll be quite successful someday given his persistence and tenacity, but first we'll need to work through the struggles and spend more time focused on his gifts rather than his challenges.

We'll need to make sure that he knows he's okay, even when school is a struggle, which it is proving to be already.  We'll need to make sure he knows he's okay, especially when his peers hurt his feelings with their words and actions.  We'll need to make sure he knows he's okay, when he notices his differences (which he undoubtedly already has) and simply wants to control himself and do the right thing.

But most of all, we will hold that little boy close and tell him how much he is loved.  We will fight tooth and nail to do what is right for him regardless of the roadblocks that are put in our way.  We won't stop until we find the right people to help him along the way.

Because we believe.

He is okay.  He is more than okay.  He is wonderful.

And he'll believe that, because his mama said it's true.

Let it Go, Mama. Let it Go.

Guilt.

I've spent a lot of time over the last nine years feeling guilty and I am giving myself permission to say goodbye to that nasty "g" word.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend and I took the morning off.  On a dreary, rainy Saturday, we left the kids with our husbands and went and sat in a coffee shop. We had other plans, too, but we never really got to them.

Instead, we talked.  These talks are like therapy sessions, but without the awkwardness and cost.  I always feel like it's a safe place to vent and I typically leave feeling refreshed and a little more grounded.

That day I left pondering this question:  Mamas-why do we feel so much guilt?!

After mulling this around a bit, I think I may have a hypothesis:  our expectations far exceed what is realistic.  In an era of Pinterest, Facebook, countless blogs, and other online sources, we have succumbed to this idealistic world that REALLY.DOESN'T.EXIST.

It is a false perception.

We live in a kid-centered country.  Most of us have been fooled into thinking our kids' childhoods should be filled with non-stop fun:  camps, never-ending sports leagues, well thought out crafts and projects, educational opportunities, and a whole lot more stuff.  They should be happy, challenged, and entertained.  It should be magical and if we're not living up to those expectations, we are failing.

We're supposed to be the keepers of the house, chef, teacher, doctor, chauffeur, event planner, therapist all rolled up into one and if we don't do it with a smile on our face, we are failing.

But you know what?  Screw that.

I cannot tell you how many times I have beaten myself up for not having a clean enough house, not playing with my kids enough, yelling too much, being BORED out of my mind at home, not providing enough opportunities for my kids, not spending enough quality time with my husband (you know what I mean)...blah, blah, blah.

We are cheating ourselves and causing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.  We're creating a fantasy world for our kids and no one will be able to live up to their expectations.  Maybe worst of all, we're setting an example I don't think we want our kids to try to replicate when they're parents.

Enough.  I am done.

I am done with the never-ending guilt.

My kids will soon be home with me for three whole months (yikes!).  They will soon be introduced to a wonderful new-to-our family home responsibility chart.  It will not be fun, but it will become a part of life.  If they're lucky, my husband and I will remember to follow through with our compensation plan, but if not, they'll survive.

They will be forced to figure out how to fill their days.  Sure, we'll be taking vacations and going on some outings, but there will be plenty of days when they'll have to learn to get along and play.  We'll throw in some tv/video game time, but I'm seriously considering tossing them outdoors most days and locking the doors (sorry neighbors).

I will lose my temper and yell.  Kids will cry and sit in time out.  We will all survive.

I'll hire a sitter some days just to get out and away from what is most definitely going to be a loud and argumentative household on any given day.  I'm going to go do something fun and relaxing and not feel one single bit guilty.

I'm going to carve out time to take care of myself and go on dates with my husband.  Regularly.  We are going to have FUN!

So, here's what I say to all of you who have this cloud of guilt hovering over you.  Let it go.

These magical, fun-filled, over-scheduled childhoods we've unnecessarily plagued ourself with need to go.  Just purge your mind of that idea and do it now.  Even if you think you haven't bought into the hype, I can guarantee you, in some way you unknowingly have.  How can you avoid it when you're surrounded by snippets of people's wonderful lives every single day?

When I was a kid my childhood wasn't magical.  It's certainly no knock against my parents.  I passed my days playing with stuffed animal "friends," reading books, watching tv, playing outdoors, and had the privilege of playing with a friend here and there (I lived in the country and these were really a big deal.  And for the love, they were NOT called play dates...we just played).

For the most part, I'd say I turned out just fine.  When I think of my childhood, my memories are filled with happiness, good times, and special moments.  I had fun, but a lot of that fun I conjured up myself.

Mamas, let's all be kind to each other.  Stop judging, stop beating yourself up, and love yourself and your family for who they are.

We're all doing the best we can.  I think we'd feel a whole lot better if we would just let up on ourselves, enjoy life a whole lot more, and realize that there is no such thing as perfect.

Not even close.

See you later guilt!  We've had enough!

#theyearofpeople

Shame Sucks

Shame.

Naturally we have all experienced shame throughout our lives, but what impact has it had on your life?

I felt a lot of shame as a teenager.  I struggled immensely with peer relationships in middle and high school and it left me feeling terribly embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed.  I made poor decisions in an effort to try and fit in and really lost myself for quite a long time. Those struggles followed me into my twenties and it took awhile to break free from the destructive behavior I used to mask the shame, but I did.  I look back on the choices that I made and cringe, but I've learned to offer myself grace and be thankful that I eventually got on the straight and narrow path.

I'd love to say that by my thirties that shame magically disappeared, but I'd be lying.  It is still a part of my life.  I've made progress, but that teenager can still be found within.  When I find myself in a situation where I struggle with a relationship, that doubt and shame tends to creep back in.  It no longer leads me on a path of destruction, but I find myself distancing myself from the person and situation.

It makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and unsure.  I absolutely hate conflict, because in my experience all those years ago, conflict resulted in the demise of that relationship.  These sentiments make it quite difficult when conflict arises with those who aren't going anywhere in my life:  my husband, family, neighbors, and close friends.  Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to explain it.

There are times when I imagine how life may be different if I hadn't been a part of so many failed relationships.  To this day, when it comes to friendship, I am cautious.  It takes a long time to feel out potential friends and even when I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't.  The guard tends to stay up.

Oddly enough, I feel no shame talking about my struggles.  It is simply a part of my story and when I reflect on where my life is at now, I can see how those feelings have resulted in a woman who is stronger, braver, and more driven than I ever would have imagined.  I have goals and the desire to make some really big dreams a reality.

Perhaps sharing my story will help someone else feel less ashamed; less alone in their struggles.  Not too long ago, I returned to my alma mater to speak to a group of current students and shared this very painful part of my past.   It was part of the journey and if you could see how all of the pieces have fit together, I guess you could say everything happens for a reason.

At the conclusion of the presentation, a very sweet twenty-something girl came up to me, looked me in the eye, and simply said, "I just want to give you a hug."  Perhaps sharing my struggles touched her in a way I will never know.

The moral of this story?  Shame is like a pesky weed that just won't go away.  It can have a negative effect on our decision-making process and the way we perceive ourselves, but ultimately, it doesn't have to define us.  In fact, it can pull you out of your shell when you least expect it and push you to levels you never thought possible.

This Mother's Day, I'm treating myself to a book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown.  I've read Rising Strong once already this year, but it belongs on my bookshelf along with The Gift of Imperfection, I Thought it Was Just Me (But it Isn't):  Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, and Daring Greatly.