Naturally we have all experienced shame throughout our lives, but what impact has it had on your life?
I felt a lot of shame as a teenager. I struggled immensely with peer relationships in middle and high school and it left me feeling terribly embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed. I made poor decisions in an effort to try and fit in and really lost myself for quite a long time. Those struggles followed me into my twenties and it took awhile to break free from the destructive behavior I used to mask the shame, but I did. I look back on the choices that I made and cringe, but I've learned to offer myself grace and be thankful that I eventually got on the straight and narrow path.
I'd love to say that by my thirties that shame magically disappeared, but I'd be lying. It is still a part of my life. I've made progress, but that teenager can still be found within. When I find myself in a situation where I struggle with a relationship, that doubt and shame tends to creep back in. It no longer leads me on a path of destruction, but I find myself distancing myself from the person and situation.
It makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and unsure. I absolutely hate conflict, because in my experience all those years ago, conflict resulted in the demise of that relationship. These sentiments make it quite difficult when conflict arises with those who aren't going anywhere in my life: my husband, family, neighbors, and close friends. Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to explain it.
There are times when I imagine how life may be different if I hadn't been a part of so many failed relationships. To this day, when it comes to friendship, I am cautious. It takes a long time to feel out potential friends and even when I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't. The guard tends to stay up.
Oddly enough, I feel no shame talking about my struggles. It is simply a part of my story and when I reflect on where my life is at now, I can see how those feelings have resulted in a woman who is stronger, braver, and more driven than I ever would have imagined. I have goals and the desire to make some really big dreams a reality.
Perhaps sharing my story will help someone else feel less ashamed; less alone in their struggles. Not too long ago, I returned to my alma mater to speak to a group of current students and shared this very painful part of my past. It was part of the journey and if you could see how all of the pieces have fit together, I guess you could say everything happens for a reason.
At the conclusion of the presentation, a very sweet twenty-something girl came up to me, looked me in the eye, and simply said, "I just want to give you a hug." Perhaps sharing my struggles touched her in a way I will never know.
The moral of this story? Shame is like a pesky weed that just won't go away. It can have a negative effect on our decision-making process and the way we perceive ourselves, but ultimately, it doesn't have to define us. In fact, it can pull you out of your shell when you least expect it and push you to levels you never thought possible.
This Mother's Day, I'm treating myself to a book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown. I've read Rising Strong once already this year, but it belongs on my bookshelf along with The Gift of Imperfection, I Thought it Was Just Me (But it Isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, and Daring Greatly.
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