Learning the Hard Way

When I was younger, I vividly remember my parents doing their best to instill wisdom in their often- rebellious teenager.  They would offer words of caution, but when I would not heed their advice, these words would typically slip from their mouths:  "I guess you'll have to learn the hard way."

Oh how true this is.  Even in my thirties, this little piece of cautionary advice holds true and last night I could once again hear their voices ringing in my ears when things went south and I realized I had made a mistake.

This fall, against my better judgement, I opted to try one more time and give some of my precious time to an organization.   My husband wisely encouraged me not to,  but I did not listen.  Ultimately, I did not make this decision because I wanted to, but because I felt I should.  

Maybe you have experience with this as well.  You know, those nagging feelings of guilt that tend to creep into our minds when they are least welcome and end up overriding our intuitive gut feeling.  

Good riddance guilt.  From now on I am going to channel my inner Olivia Pope and listen to my gut. 

I have read many wonderful books, including The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst and For the Love by Jen Hatmaker that touch on this very difficult, but important topic:  saying no to the inconsequential, unfulfilling opportunities that arise in our lives to make room for the best yeses.  The experiences and opportunities that are a breath of fresh air; that fill us up, make us feel alive, and leave a lasting mark on this world and in our hearts.    

If you have said yes to something that doesn't fill your bucket, have the wisdom to leave it behind.  Life is much too short to waste our precious time partaking in a group, activity, or committee out of feelings of obligation coupled with a side of guilt.       

Ultimately, continuing to do so only ends up hurting you and your family.  Last night, instead of spending my time focused on my kids and enjoying a nice dinner and bedtime routine, I was distracted, frustrated, and upset and I can easily trace it all back to that decision I made back in the fall out of obligation.

This was not fair to my family or me, especially given my husband was traveling for business and I was solo-parenting.  I should have had the wisdom to stop the interaction, but I didn't.  In the end, I was up way too late dealing with the problem, upset it had occurred in the first place, and feeling guilty because my kids got the short end of the stick.  A no-win all around.

During this year of people, these are the experiences I want to learn from and ultimately grow as an individual, wife, and mother.  My family deserves the best version of me that I can possibly be.  To do this, I need to learn to let go of the guilt, say no so I can reserve my time for the best yeses, and tune out the outside noise when others may not agree with my decision. 

Neither you nor I have to learn the hard way anymore.  

When presented with a choice, consider the pros and cons, listen to your gut, and be confident in your decision.  Who knows what wonderful opportunity may lie ahead simply because we gave ourselves permission to say no.  

#theyearofpeople

    

    

The Line in the Sand

Last week I drew a line in the sand.

It was a long time coming, but that one particular day something snapped and I made the decision enough was enough.  Since that pivotal moment, a refreshing wave has washed over me.  I have been awakened and am ready to get to work.  It is time to throw caution to the wind, try new things, take some risks, and make time for myself.

This week has been a great start.  Monday brought about a flurry of activity:  a trial membership to a local gym, scheduling a much-needed hair appointment, a trial membership to a fitness app, ordering some new make-up, and taking time to read again.

It's been pretty awesome.  And it's only the beginning.

Today I'll briefly touch on one of my biggest goals:  getting back into shape...again.  I want to feel good about myself.  I long to feel more energized, challenged, and confident.  I want to set goals and feel the sense of accomplishment when they are met.

I think it's safe to say this is a pretty common goal for most women.  Finding the time to exercise can be so difficult when you have a family to care for.  In the end, though, it's just an excuse.  We make time for what is important, and being a healthy mother should be near the top of that list.

If a gym isn't in the cards, you're in luck.  I found an awesome app called The Daily Burn to stream right through my TV at home.  Generally, I would not be thrilled about exercising at home, but this program has been amazing.  I feel like I'm back in the classes at my old gym again and boy, am I SORE!  They offer a free 30 day trial, so what do you have to lose?!

Taking the first step is always the hardest, but once you do, the possibilities are endless.

That imaginary line in the sand has set me free.  This week is the beginning of a long journey to get to know myself better.  One that will not only be beneficial for me, but for my entire family as well.  An apathetic, uncertain, tired mama is no good for anyone.

Listen to that voice in your head urging you to pursue an activity, goal, or interest.  You never know when a spark will turn into a fire.

And that fire will make you come alive again.

What are you waiting for?  Fuel the flames, friends!

Finding the Way Back

Though I have deemed 2016 "The Year of People," there is one important person I plan on getting to know a whole lot better this year:  me.  This may be puzzling to some of you, and if that is the case I applaud you, but others may re-read that sentence and slowly nod your head in somber agreement.

Who am I?

For quite some time this question has eaten at me.  It's been nearly nine years since I left my full-time career as a teacher to stay at home with our first-born son and over the course of time, I feel like I have lost my sense of identity outside of wife and mom.

If I stop and evaluate my life since becoming a mother, I can clearly see how I arrived at this point.  As you can imagine, life with four young kids can be pretty chaotic, overwhelming, and exhausting.  Add in a husband who works long hours and frequently travels and you find someone who has spent the majority of her time making sure everyone else's needs are met, that her needs, and so much of the person she used to be, have been forgotten.

And I blame no one but myself.

After much self-reflection, I have painfully realized I did this to myself.  The adventurous, bold, confident girl who moved to a huge city over a thousand miles away after college alone, has been replaced with a restless, tired, uncertain woman longing for some resemblance of that girl.  

I hate to admit it, but I have fallen victim to Martyr Mom Syndrome.  More times than not, I have had an excuse for not taking care of myself:  no time, no money, guilt.  The linked article hits the nail right on the head.

Ten years ago I would have never envisioned myself in this way.

It is likely my decision to stay home lead me to this place of uncertainty.  When I worked full-time, my job description was clear.  I was rewarded with a paycheck and received feedback from my administrators and student's parents.  I had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, channel my creativity, and work towards clear goals.  My day had a clear beginning and end.  I had time to pursue my interests, socialize, and take care of my body.  I had fun.

And then it changed.

My days no longer had a beginning and an end.  Instead, they blended together into sleepless nights and long days.  I was no longer rewarded with a paycheck and the feedback I received was measured in smiles or tears.  My job description became a muddled mess:  wife, mother, teacher, housekeeper, chef, nurse...the list goes on.  My social circle shrunk, my waist size expanded, and my interests, for the most part, were pushed to the side, because if there was any downtime, I'd likely be napping, reading a book, or completing some task around the house.

And then I changed.

The adventurous girl became cautious.  The confident, bold girl became uncertain and passive.  The social, outgoing girl felt isolated and became reclusive.  The girl who loved shopping and shoes settled for a waning wardrobe and flip-flops or tennis shoes.  The competitive, athletic girl had difficulty maintaining a fitness routine due to lack of energy or time.  The girl who wanted to feel pretty and confident took to getting her hair done twice a year and the "mom uniform" of yoga pants and t-shirts.

Wow.  That was hard to write.

I share none of this because I am looking for a pity party.  Quite the opposite, really.  I share this because I know I am not alone.  I am confident there are thousands of moms out there who feel the same way I do.  Who are longing to fight their way back to some resemblance of the person they once were. Hopefully, thanks to life's experiences, an older, wiser, improved version of that person.

After so many years, I have drawn my line in the sand.  My days of having babies are over and it is time to let go of that Martyr Mom Syndrome and live my life, not only for my family, but for myself as well.

I want to feel joyful, excited, and intrigued by what lies ahead.  I want to exercise, feel confident, and take pride in my appearance.  I want to chase those dreams, pursue my passions, and take risks.  Most of all, I just want to feel like me again.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be here taking care of my family, but you better believe I'm going to carve out time for myself.  No more excuses.  No more guilt.  I am confident I'll find my way again.

The road may not be easy, but I am up for the challenge.

Are you?    

Week 1: Success

What is the best way to achieve a goal?  Set benchmarks?  Small goals?  Rewards for progress along the way?  

My first full week of The Year of People was a smashing success.  Success, in this particular case, is a week full of spending time with some of my favorite people.  Last week was a success, because I made a conscious effort to schedule dates with my family, friends, and neighbors.

A play date, girl's night out, dinner date with our neighbors, and family time at home were all wonderful ways to spend my time during the first week of 2016.  None of these dates over-scheduled our family, cost a lot of money, or caused great stress to prepare for.  Instead, they were simple, low-key opportunities to connect with those I care about.

If I'm being honest, I struggle during the winter months and adopting this mantra has pushed me to not let the cold, dreary winter days keep me holed up inside my house with little interaction with the outside world.

Instead, it's given me the motivation and opportunity to entertain, to cook for others, to spend time with those in my circle.  It's encouraging me to focus.  It's given me a purpose.    

Intentional living.    

#theyearofpeople

   

    

Family First

Family first.

When setting our priorities, making decisions, and establishing boundaries, the people who live within the walls of our home should be at the forefront of our mind.  Forget the outside noise, the societal pressures, and the endless opportunities lurking around every corner to keep us running the race to nowhere.  Instead, consider the effect each decision will have on your family as a whole.

As my kids get older, their individual personalities continue to reveal themselves and it is fascinating how each of them have strong interests in very different things.  My oldest loves all things sports and writing, my second loves animals and art, my third loves building and science, and my little one loves babies and music (though she still has a few more years before her true passions will be evident).

My husband and I have some basic principles we do our best to follow:  school comes first, we eat dinner as a family each night, and we do not over-schedule ourselves or our kids.  All of these principles are very important to us, so we need to get a little creative when it comes to ensuring we are able to pursue our kids' passions while still adhering to the boundaries we have set.

To this point, we have done what we can to provide our kids with opportunities at home and family outings that compliment each of their interests and foster their knowledge and development of their talents and passions.  This may be the year, though, where we up the ante a bit.

When you have a large family, it can be a challenge to spend time with each child individually.  We are starting our year off by committing to a one-on-one date with each of our kids this month.  For Christmas, we gave each of our kids an "experience gift."  My husband or I will take each of our kids on a special date day geared towards their interests.  I'd love to say we would do this every month, but I think setting a goal of three to four times this year is probably more realistic.  I'm hopeful this will be a really great opportunity to connect with each of our kids without all of the distractions and have a little fun.

We have also planned a few family vacations this year that will tap into all of the our interests.  This spring we are taking a road trip to Arizona where we will spend time at the Grand Canyon, Cubs spring training, a zoo, and museums.  One of the best investments we made to date is purchasing a yearly Fun Bundle pass from our local family museum.  With this pass, we have access to three attractions in our area, as well as museums and zoos all over the country either at a discounted price or, better yet, free.  We get a lot of bang for our buck and the kids have enjoyed checking out zoos and museums all over the country.  To kick off our summer, we'll make our annual trip to Topsail Island, North Carolina, and stop for a few new adventures along the way.  This tradition has quickly become the event I look forward to most each year.

Over the past few months we have spent some time researching various recreational programs in our area for our kids.  We have found a few programs we like, but are unsure if we can make this work for our family.  Unfortunately, our town does not have much to offer in this department, but my husband and I are working to network, tap into people in our community's talents, and bring some new programs to our community.  I want my children to pursue their interests, but do not want to over-schedule ourselves or compromise the boundaries we have set.

When it's all said and done, though, one of the easiest and most fun ways for our kids to explore their interests is to provide them with opportunities right here at home.  We're making over our daughter's room to include an art studio and animal-print accessories that will really reflect her personality and interests.  Our youngest son is always asking to have science time.  It wouldn't take much to set up a little experiment lab in the kitchen every now and then and let him at it.  Our oldest and youngest kids are easy to please, so playing babies and watching sports it is.

Each day we're faced with countless decisions and as parents our natural instinct is to do all we can to provide our children with opportunities to be happy, successful, and thrive.  While I want all of those things for my children, I don't want us to lose track of what is most important either:  our family unit.  My kids are much too young to be on the go night after night, but I think we can strike a healthy balance by exploring opportunities, thoughtfully making decisions, carefully planning trips and experiences, and taking time to focus on our kids one-on-one.  

Family first.

#theyearofpeople

You Don't Have to Scour the House

2016 is just four days old, but I have to admit I am pretty excited the potential this year holds.  As a person who loves to socialize, entertain, and connect others, fulfilling my mantra for 2016 is going to be a lot of fun.  Date nights, family outings, dinner parties, girl's outings...the list goes on!  This year is going to be FUN!  Not a lot of strenuous work, but FUN!  FUN!

To kick off the New Year we hosted a few couples and their kids for an all-day football watching extravaganza.  It was a day filled with food, fun, and football.  It was NOT fancy, in fact we sat in bag chairs since our son destroyed our couch and we ate off of mismatched paper plates from parties past.  No-fuss, but a lot of fun just the same (except that little part where both of the teams we root for lost, of course!).

How often do we make excuses to not invite people over?  We're short on time, the house isn't clean, we're not great cooks...the list goes on.  Toss all of those excuses aside, call up your close friends or people you'd like to get to know a little better and invite them over.

It is important to show our kids the importance of inviting others into our home.  To be part of a community.  To be good hosts.  It's also important to take the time to build relationships with other couples, share the ups and downs of parenthood, and let loose a bit.

Our New Year's gathering will be the first of many we host this year.  They won't be fancy, my house won't be impeccably clean, and we may eat off of mismatched plates, but in the end we'll have fun, we'll strengthen and build relationships, and we'll be paving the way for our kids to do the same one day.

#theyearofpeople




 

2016: The Year of People

2015 has come and gone.  It was a pretty spectacular year filled with focus, ambition, goal-setting, and achievements.  2015 had its share of ups and downs, but overall it was a successful, fun, memorable year.  Now that 2016 is upon us, it's time to refocus, set some goals, and work each day to make our little corner of the world a little better.

Some people create big resolutions, others choose a word for the year, and still others do nothing at all.  To each his own.  This year my mantra is going to be The Year of People:  family, friends, relationships, church, community and strangers alike.  When you strip life down to the basics, tune out the outside noise, and truly understand what you need to lead a happy, fulfilled, satisfying life, connecting with others has to rank right up there behind the basic survival needs of food, water, and shelter.

This year I'm going to consciously look for opportunities to connect with others, deepen the relationships I have, and enjoy the new relationships that develop throughout the year.  While I have always been a social person, I find I crave it even more as I continue on this journey staying at home raising my kids.  It can be a bit isolating at times and days can go by without connecting with people other than those living within the walls of my home, but that could easily be remedied with some intentional planning and even a little spontaneity.

This fall I read Jen Hatmaker's book, For the Love, and it sparked this little fire inside of me.  Her words, along with the constant pull inside of me to both connect with others and connect others, has lead to my decision to put people at the center of my 2016.  It seems so simple, but connecting with others is often the first thing to go when life gets overwhelming, we find ourselves over-scheduled, or succumb to the inevitable "mom-guilt" that always seems to creep in when we take time for ourselves.

I am feeling quite excited and intrigued by what 2016 will bring.  I hope to post more regularly not only to document the journey, but to offer encouragement and inspiration to those of you who are looking to connect more with others, develop new relationships, and build a community.

We're off and running.  Who will you connect with today?