This morning, as I was toting my two-year-old around on my hip, I randomly thought, "This is my normal." For eight years I have been holding babies or balancing a toddler on one hip. Having the use of one or no hands has just become the norm. For some reason this moment that occurs so many times each day struck me: how lucky I am to hold and carry my child. I have been blessed to have my arms filled with four sweet kiddos to hold, soothe, carry, and snuggle for so many years. What has been the norm for so long, may soon be fading.
Our youngest turned two this week. Sure, two-year-olds still like to be held, but the desire to be independent soon reduces the amount of time they want to be. I've done babies for so many years, it is hard to fathom that phase of life may be ending. That old saying, "The days are long, but the years are short" keeps ringing in my ears. All of those years of little sleep, nursing for hours a day, having no time to myself, and being needed by someone all.of.the.time may soon be gone. Oh my. How did that happen? The bigger question, am I ready for it to end?
Life has a strange way of unfolding. When we're in the thick of the hard seasons, the days seem to be so long, so challenging, so exhausting. We may soon find ourselves feeling hopeless, desperate, and lost. For me, this hard season lasted for 4 long years. It did not start with my first or my second baby. The hard years started with my third. He came just 16 months after his older sister and on the day of his arrival I became the mom of three children 3 1/2 and under. I was pretty sure I was up for the challenge, but this little blue-eyed, blonde-haired bundle of joy quickly made his presence known and not in the most pleasant of ways.
He was ornery. He wanted to eat all of the time, every hour at night in fact, and would spend a great deal of the day and night crying. Actually crying isn't a strong enough word. He screamed and was inconsolable. After six weeks of this, we figured out the culprit was dairy. I felt strongly about nursing, so I removed dairy from my diet. While it was challenging, I stuck to it without cheating once for over a year. He calmed down for a bit, but then the ear infections kicked in.
I rarely slept longer than a few hours at a time. My younger two had sixteen ear infections between them in 6 months. I was so sleep-deprived it was not even funny. In fact, it was dangerous. One day, I stopped by my in-laws to drop off a few of my kids while I took my daughter to the doctor. I got out of the van to unload them and the door was locked. Upon trying to open the door, the van began to move forward. I had left it in drive and it slowly rolled forward, with my children in it, right into their garage. To this day, I still don't know how I got back in the van. It was a terrifying experience.
That first year-and-a-half of my son's life was a blur. Days rolled into months and before I knew it, a year. There were plenty of beautiful, joyous moments, but they were hard to see at times due to the circumstances. In time, we came out of the fog. He finally started to sleep through the night at 18 months and we had a bit of a reprieve.
That summer we moved back near my parents. I was so excited to be near my family again and felt relieved to know there would be help, if needed, somewhat nearby. This was a welcome change and helped me feel less overwhelmed. That summer went relatively well. Though we struggled with some sleeping issues with our daughter who was experiencing newfound freedom in a toddler bed, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or so we thought. Late that summer we found out we were expecting our fourth child. While it was a bit of a surprise, I was fairly confident it wouldn't be nearly as overwhelming as the addition of our third. Until the tides changed.
What came next rivaled the challenges of the incessant crying of our little guy. Shortly after two he figured out how to crawl out of his crib. He went from sleeping through the night to refusing to go to bed, nap, and woke at 4:30 A.M. for the day...for months on end. Naturally, his behavior became difficult due to the lack of sleep and we entered into a whole new hard season of life filled with little sleep, temper tantrums, and very challenging behavior. Throw in a pregnant mama and things went south quickly.
We struggled and struggled and struggled. Our fuses became short. The nap battles and bedtime battles were physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. There were days I put everyone into the van just to get him to sleep and have a break. I'd pull back into the garage once he was asleep, turn off the engine, and pray I could get the older kids out without waking him.
The days were so long and the nights so short. I was desperate, looking for the light, and all I could find was darkness. This may sound dramatic, but I had hit rock bottom. I had always dreamed of being a mother and raising my family, but our reality was far from the images I had conjured up in my head. I felt like a failure and wondered how I would make it with the addition of another baby.
Well, that sweet little baby came and we did our best to "survive" during the baby phase. For the first time ever I co-slept for the pure and simple fact I needed to sleep. Our son's sleeping woes continued and after speaking with his pediatrician about his sleep struggles and behavior, it was suggested we try Melatonin. It has been a game-changer. Bedtime is no longer a struggle and the 4:30 wake-up calls have, for the most part, ended. He continues to be high-energy and challenging at times, but the tide is turning.
While our sweet little girl brings much joy to our lives, she has also made her presence known in our family. She's always close by and loves to be held. Knowing she was probably our last child, I've obliged. Two years later, though, we're starting to see the light again. She has followed in her sibling's footsteps and not been a great sleeper, but I'm hopeful one of these days she'll start to consistently sleep through the night again. This too shall pass and soon the baby and toddler phase will be over.
I'm not going to lie, there were times I was convinced I was not cut out for this and I would not make it through the day. Many times I felt like a failure. While never clinically diagnosed, I experienced bouts of depression and had a hard time getting through the day because I was so exhausted. All of the idyllic dreams I had created in my mind did not come to fruition. Motherhood is messy and no matter how much we'd like to feel like we're in control, the fact of the matter is simple: we're not.
When I reflect on these challenging years, I see beauty and joy mixed with sadness and despair. I have been home with my kids for their entire lives and while I haven't been perfect, I have done my best. I have been challenged more than I ever thought possible, but I have overcome countless obstacles and persevered. Motherhood is a tough job and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Quitting isn't an option, so embrace the messy beautiful and push through those hard seasons. There is light at the end of the tunnel and all of the joy and struggles are worth it.
Though it makes me sad, I believe I have begun to accept this season of life will be ending soon. A new season is upon us and it is time to look forward to the next phase of life. I pray that sleep will come more easily for all of us and we can enjoy the new adventures that lie ahead. I look forward to our newfound freedom. My husband and I have begun to schedule monthly date nights and I do my best to spend some time with my girlfriends each month. Last month I even spent a night away with them to attend the Hearts at Home conference. It was amazing. We have some awesome vacations planned and I look forward to traveling as a family and making memories that will last a lifetime.
I know we have a life full of joy and challenges ahead of us, but I am sure we will persevere and overcome whatever arises. In my heart, I know He only gives us what we can handle. I guess He had a lot of faith in me during these early years. It hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Hang in there girlfriend. You'll LOVE the next season of motherhood!
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