If We're Honest

One of my favorite songs right now is "If We're Honest" by Francesca Battistelli.  From the first time I heard it, this song has spoken to me on so many levels.  Each time I hear it, there is a specific line that talks to me that day.  We are living in a time when truth is hard to discern and honesty isn't always easy to come by.

"Truth is harder than a lie.  The dark seems safer than the light.  Everyone has a heart that loves to hide."

In this tech-centered, ever-busy, oversharing nation we live in, what IS truth?

The lines have become very blurred.  Every day we are exposed to media that twists the truth to make it newsworthy and improve ratings.  We are knee-deep in an election season filled with candidates who wouldn't know honesty if it struck them upside the head.  People lie, cheat, and steal to get to the top all while falsely claiming their innocence.

How often do you keep our thoughts to ourselves for fear of ridicule?  How many dreams go unfulfilled for fear of failure?  How many suffer silently for fear of confiding in others?

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing our life to the small glimpse we see of others' lives and feeling less than.  If we really understood the whole picture; the true lives we all live each and every day, I am certain most of us would have a different opinion of ourselves, our families, and our own lives.

Truth is subjective.

"I'm a mess and so are you.  We've built walls nobody can get through." 

On the surface, many of us appear to have it together.  We plaster on our smile, hide behind our busyness, and assure everyone that all is okay...even if it's not and in all likelihood there are days/weeks/months/years when it is not.  

With less face-to-face and verbal contact, we seem to be losing authenticity in our relationships.  We can hide behind the screens and say what comes to mind, without seeing the effect those words have on those on the receiving end.  We can also hide behind a less-than-truthful response with no one present to call us on our bluff.

Social media outlets, email, and texting are impacting our relationships and not in the most positive of ways.  Rather than delving deeper into our relationships through conversation, we skim the top layer through brief texts and chats.  Many of our relationships never develop past the surface level.  We are afraid to share our true selves, but in looking at the bigger picture, we are "too busy" putting everyone else first to take the time to grow a relationship through time spent together and actually talking.

It is the way of communication in the 21st century, but personally I think it sucks.

"Yeah it may be hard but the best things we could ever do.  Ever do.  Bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest."  

Maybe our lives would feel more complete and fulfilled if we dropped the act, put ourselves out there, and took the time to really connect with people.

"Don't pretend to be something that you're not.  Living life afraid of getting caught.  There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross.  At the cross."

It can be easy to walk through life and be the person we feel others want us to be:  the devoted wife, doting mother, PTA president, Sunday school teacher, career woman, volunteer extraordinaire...but if you tune everyone out and listen to the voice within, you may find you're not on the right path.

Do you feel fulfilled and alive?  If not, it's time to stop pretending and begin striving to live an intentional, purposeful life that fills you up.  The benefits will extend far beyond yourself.

"So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest." 

Conflict is uncomfortable, yet it's a part of life.  Personally it is something I struggle with immensely.  I am a stuffer.  Rather than confronting someone and resolving the issue, I tend to stuff it down where it stays and festers and ultimately leads to resentment.

While I realize stuffing is not healthy, I will avoid sitting down with someone at all costs to resolve an issue.  My verbal skills stink.  I can write my thoughts very succinctly, but I cannot articulate them out loud, because I get emotional and flustered very quickly.

In my situation, the brokenness tends to remain broken.  Rather than healing, I temporarily bandage the wound only to find it to return time and time again.

Perhaps you can relate.  Do you push everything down and never heal the brokenness?

It is time to heal no matter how hard it may be.

"It would change our lives.  It would set us free.  It's what we need to be."

Can you imagine how wonderful it would feel to share your story, resolve conflict, and forgive yourself and others?

My current struggle is figuring out the next chapter in life.  It's letting go of the guilt and accepting that it's okay to pursue big dreams.  In fact, it's better than ok.  It's really magnificent, honorable, and a great example for the little ones who are watching.  We only get one shot at this life and our days are numbered.

I just need to give myself permission and not look back.  My guess is you do, too.

"So bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine.  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides.  And mercy's waiting on the other side.  If we're honest." 

The first person we need to be honest with?  Ourselves.  We need to search within and find our truth. To heal the wounds we've likely inflicted upon ourselves (ahem, "mom guilt" or"I'm not enough" syndrome anyone?!) and those that involve others.

Let go of the facade and live a life of truth.  Stop creating expectations we cannot live up to and accept our limitations.  Make personal relationships a priority rather than a luxury.  Stop hiding behind screens and take the time to actually see people.

Perhaps the best gift of all is to free ourselves.  Eliminate the negative self-talk and accept that while our marriages..children..homes..bodies..friendships...etc. are far from perfect, we are doing our best.

 "If we're honest.  If we're honest.  If we're honest."

My life may be messy, broken, and imperfect.

If we're being honest, yours probably is, too.

#theyearofpeople

Bottle It Up

There are times I wish I could bottle up the energy and motivation that seems to overtake me at times.  I'd like to crack it open on the days when the polar opposite is true just to give me the extra boost I need to keep moving forward.

For example, earlier this week I was feeling very low.  I was experiencing a lot of self-doubt and questioning many things and then, BAM!  Out of nowhere, my mindset shifted and the energy and motivation I so badly needed has returned.

I have to admit, I get a lot more done when I'm feeling energized and driven, but who doesn't?

Perhaps part of my shift in focus was in part due to reading the latest book by a blogger/author I really connect with.  I just finished reading Kristen Welch's latest book Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World:  How One Family Learned that Saying No Can Lead to Life's Biggest Yes and all those nagging thoughts hanging out in my head are coming to the surface.

Parenting is no easy gig.  Each day there is at last one shit storm (if not more) in my house and I can't help but feel like we're failing as parents, but I need to focus less on those nasty moments and see the positives that are sprinkled throughout the day.

My kids are at a tough age.  They are becoming more opinionated, argumentative, and challenging, but it's our job as parents to guide them in the right direction.  I need to keep this in mind, because I am not a very good example at times when my pressure gauge is at high and I explode.  I just want to wave my magic wand and have some peace within the walls of our home, but we all know that's not going to happen.

It's going to be a journey.  One that will continue for many, many years.  For the most part my kids are going through very natural phases, but the desire for more, more, more and the lack of appreciation at times for what they do get to do and have leaves this mama a little unsettled.

So, it's time to take a step back.  It's time to spend some time devising a plan that will give our kids a new perspective and get them involved in more hands-on service activities.  It's great to talk about it and give money or material items to a cause, but it's a whole lot different to actually be in the trenches and doing something.

I have begun to understand this even more as I continue on my journey with From Cover to Cover.  It's ever-changing and more opportunities for hands-on involvement are presenting themselves.  It fills me up and I want my kids to feel that overwhelming sense of joy and contentment that comes with actively serving others.

It's all about finding the right opportunities now and moving our family in the right direction.

I'm feeling pretty motivated right now and I hope it continues.

I encourage you to get your hands on a copy of her book and you may feel the same.

#theyearofpeople

The Struggle

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many times were we asked this question while growing up?  Probably too many to count.  As young, adventurous, carefree kids, we likely answered with a confident, emphatic answer.  I know my kids do.  So far I have a MLB baseball player, a zookeeper, and a dad respectively.  

Oddly, enough, though, I feel like this question keeps popping up again, but it has nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with me.  Nearly every day I find myself struggling with some form of this very question.  

One short month from now will mark the 9 year anniversary in my current position:  stay-at-home mom.  It's a job I've poured myself into.  I've given birth to 4 amazing kids and watched them grow through their various phases of development for 9 years.  I should feel blessed I have had this opportunity, but for the better part of those 9 years I've been incredibly restless.  It's a major struggle and one I beat myself up over quite a bit.

Last week my husband and I had the opportunity to go on an all-expenses paid vacation to Puerto Rico.  My husband worked hard last year and closed many deals, landing him in the President's Club of his company.  Pretty awesome stuff.

For five days, I was surrounded by adults (no children...none) and engaged in conversation with people I had never met before.  I was also surrounded by people who work hard, meet goals, and are rewarded for their hard work whether it be a paycheck, closing a deal, praise from a boss/colleague, or a free trip and I felt this pang of envy.

Being a full-time mom is hard and more times than not, it lacks positive feedback.  As I was struggling through another morning getting the kids ready for school, I broke.  A temper-tantrum leading to a broken bowl of oatmeal scattered all over the kitchen coupled with all of the little people in my house fighting and arguing over the most ridiculous things ("I was at the table first, you moved my drawing on the refrigerator, you turned that light on so I'm not turning it off...") confirmed what I have known for a very long time:  I have reached the point in my life where being home all.of.the.time is really not good for anyone involved.

That trip last week was a much-needed breath of fresh air.  I could think clearly and I was happy.  I know, who wouldn't be happy relaxing on an island?  It was more than that, though.  I wasn't feeling this overwhelming sense of suffocation, stress, and annoyance.  I felt human.

So here I sit at a crossroad struggling with a wide variety of emotions.  I have some work to do, decisions to make, and the need to make a commitment to figure out how to resolve these issues.  It will be no small feat, but I pray that I can refocus on the small business I started, tweak some things, and create an opportunity to maintain a flexible work schedule while helping to not only support my family, but to feed the desire within to feel productive, challenged, and stimulated.

Admitting this struggle is half the solution.  The rest is finally putting a plan into action.

The journey continues...

#theyearofpeople

   

    

Focus

I just finished reading Breaking Busy by Alli Worthington and as I was reading it, I found myself thinking, "Yes.  This is what I needed to hear."  It truly was a welcome reminder to forgo those activities and commitments that I feel I should do out of obligation to make room for those that truly fit within my vision of my life's purpose.

As a mom, staying on course can be a real challenge, especially when our lives are all cluttered up with an abundance of outside noise, expectations, and the demands of raising a family.  It feels as if each time I devise a concrete plan, set my goals, and work to achieve them, I get derailed and once I do, it is hard to get back on track.  Some of the circumstances are out of my control, but other times it is simply my inability to focus.

One day my good friend asked me what I meant when I suggested tuning out the "outside noise."  To me, outside noise consists of these factors in our environment that may be unwanted and cause us to feel overloaded and overwhelmed:  unsolicited opinions and advice, time-sucking activities, and all of those things we "think" we should be doing, but have no desire to do and only entertain them due to societal pressure.

Outside noise simply creates a lot of unwanted static in our minds and we need to do our best to tune it out in order to live a fulfilling and purposeful life.  If we don't, we'll find ourselves swimming upstream and feeling angry, frustrated, and stressed.

Trying to live up to everyone's expectations is also a surefire way to sink the ship.  One of the hardest and most stressful transitions I have experienced during the last decade of my life has been accepting that not living up to other's expectations when they don't coincide with your vision is okay.

I have found this to be the most difficult when it comes to our extended families.  As a new wife and young mom, I found myself running around like crazy doing my best to please them.  This was especially true during the holidays.  We would haul our kids from place to place, get very little sleep, and when it was all said and done, it was guaranteed most or all of us would end up sick once we got back home.  The holidays, a time intended to be filled with joy, had become incredibly stressful and draining.

As I grew older and our family continued to grow, I really struggled to do this year after year.  Finally, it all came to a head and my husband and I had a heart-to-heart talk about letting go of those expectations and doing what was in the best interest of our family.  We agreed that in the end, our family of six comes first and we will make the best decisions for our family regardless of the expectations that have been set.  It doesn't always go over well with others, but in the end we know we are making the right decision.  This was a very big and important step for us and has paved the way in our decision making process ever since.

The same can be said about the expectations we feel pressing down on us in our every day lives:  the committees we should join, the activities we should provide for our kids, the food we should prepare for our families, the way we should dress...the list goes on and on.  They can be so draining and distracting, but with some discipline and learning to say, "No," we can stay the course.  I am learning to listen my gut.  If I feel hesitant and unsettled about an opportunity, I simply decline.  No excuses, no guilt.  Just, "No."  

Ultimately, life's demands are likely our biggest distraction.  Kids, husband, outside commitments...they all add up.  Finding time to see a project through can be a challenge, but if it's something we truly want, we will find a way to make it work.

We just need to focus and rid our lives of as many distractions as possible (the husbands and kids have to stay!).  This is easier said than done, but with some conscious effort and a little life makeover, progress can be made.

Today is International Women's Day.  I don't really get into all of these days of (fill in the blank), but this one happens to resonate with me.  I have a few really big dreams (to grow From Cover to Cover in a big way and write a book) I would like to become a reality and deep down inside I know nothing really stands in my way except myself.

I am going to vow to Break Busy, let go of the doubt and fear, and FOCUS on the steps I need to take to make this a reality.  I know with utmost certainty my current purpose in life is to help make a difference in the lives of kids not only in my community but all over this country.  My job is to get books in their hands and create programs to help them further develop their literacy skills, while raising awareness about the need to improve the quality of education for those living in poverty.  My purpose is to give these kids some hope and a better opportunity to succeed.

It sounds like a massive undertaking, but it lies heavy on my heart.  Time to tune out the outside noise, let go of expectations, and effectively manage my time and the demands of everyday life.

My motto?  "Be the change you want to see in the world." (Gandhi)  One day, one opportunity at a time.

One day I will be the co-founder of a national charitable organization and I'll write to tell about it.

#OneDayIWill

Oh the Heartache

I don't think I understood how badly my heart would hurt as a mom.  You know... that sinking sensation and the ache you feel when you're disappointed, let down, or just feeling blue.  It's hard when you experience it first-hand, but I was not prepared for it to hurt even more when one of my little ones is having a tough time.

There are times when I feel like I am reliving experiences from my childhood and boy does it hurt.  I've not been shy about sharing my difficulties with peer relationships growing up.  I struggled from middle school through college and it had a lasting impact on me.  

I often felt misunderstood, alone, and on the outside looking in.  I didn't really find a peaceful place until after I graduated from college and moved far away from home.  To be honest, I still struggle with this at times and I'm well into my thirties.    

Those experiences have caused me to be very cautious when exploring new relationships and it is why my circle of trusted friends is quite small by most people's standards.  But you know what?  I'm okay with that.  

I think this is why it is so hard when my kids come to me with their relationship struggles.  I would give anything for them to not have to feel the heartache I did for all those years.  I know they'll find their way, but that doesn't make it any easier. 

There are times I want to march out and find the kids who are calling my kids names and just plain being mean.  I want to tell them to include my child and not make them feel unworthy.  That mama bear wants to come out and protect her cubs, but I don't.  

I listen.  

I comfort them and do my best to encourage them to stay true to who they are.  

A wonderful, inspiring author I have the privilege of knowing tells kids all over this country these words that are so true:  "Stay true to who you are.  Your people are out there and one day they'll find you."  

In the meantime, I'll do my best to encourage my kids to keep their heads up.  I'll encourage them to seek out kids who they feel like they can be their true selves with and not have to change to fit in.  I'll comfort them, hug them, and hold them when they cry.  I'll pray for their people to show up.

I'll also let them know how loved they are; how they are a wonderful gift from God and a true blessing to our family.  

They have tender, caring hearts and I have the utmost faith one day they'll use their tender-hearted souls to make a positive difference in this world.  

Until then, I'll continue to pray for their safety, health, and well-being.  And if the big guy upstairs is listening, I pray He'll place kindness on the hearts of kids everywhere.  

#kindnessrevolution

#theyearofpeople  

   

  

Silencing the Critic

I gotta tell you all.  This "year of people" is going to be filled with many rewarding moments, but it is also shaping up to have many, many challenges along the way, too.

The cynicism and negativity that encompasses our country right now is almost unbearable.  It has spread its ugly wings into nearly every facet of our lives and it is such an uncomfortable, undesirable place to be.  Imagine how different our lives would be if we were surrounded by people who looked for the best in others.  Who assumed good things would happen rather than expecting the worst.  Imagine how great it would be if people spent more time building others up rather than tearing them down.

Our world would be much more peaceful and civil if people woke each day and made one simple choice:  to be kind to others.

This negative, downward spiral seems to be everywhere.  From politics to the news coverage, schools to places of business, neighborhoods and communities, and everywhere in between.  For some reason people tend to focus on the worst case scenario rather than the best.  They speak down to others and exert their power rather than listening and working side-by-side.  When they don't agree, they take to slinging words and dig in their heels with little to no willingness to compromise.  How are we ever going to move forward as a community, state, or country when very few are willing to listen to or work with those whose opinions differ?

Oh, it is so sad.

I have dealt with this on a personal level more times than I'd like to count and if you've put yourself out there at all,  I'm willing to bet you have too.  You see, by nature I'm a doer.  I have a difficult time sitting idly by waiting for something to happen.  For someone else to step up.  For a change to occur.  I inherited this trait from my father and as I grow older, I see this more and more.  My dad worked hard to make his community a better place and I aspire to do the same.  I am fortunate to have a great example to follow.  

I like to solve problems.  I enjoy creating groups to meet a need in my community and connecting people to one another.  There are times I step in to fill a void or I get a group up and running and, once it's established, step away.  Other times, when there is a cause I am extremely passionate about, I set the plan into motion and work tirelessly to make it successful and find a way to make it grow. The creation and success of From Cover to Cover is a prime example.  

It is simply how I am wired and though it can be frustrating and exhausting along the way, it is all done for the right reasons and comes from a good place.  I think it's safe to say that is how most of the doers out there feel.    

That is why unfair judgement and negativity can be so devastating.  The pressure for perfectionism and the unrealistic expectations that accompany that is likely why few people are willing to put themselves out there to be part of a movement for change.  It is why we have a lot of doers doing nothing at all. 

Being a doer is not easy.  I'll be the first to admit I am easily offended.  My feelings have been hurt more times than I can count and I really struggle with the criticism and pessimism that often accompanies the suggestion of change.  What bothers me the most, though, are people who make assumptions before bothering to find out the facts.  People who close the door before they even listen to what you have to say.  It is the trend of our society and if we're ever going to make positive progress, this mindset needs to change.  Let us be open-minded, tolerant, and positive.  Above all, let us be kind.

One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, starts her best book (in my opinion) Daring Greatly with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:

Last week my husband and I spoke to a group of college students at our alma mater.  We concluded our presentation with this quote, because we truly believe in being the person in the arena.  We believe in change and positive progress.  Whether you fail or succeed, it is better to be face down in the arena marred with dust and sweat and blood than choosing to do nothing for fear of creating something less than perfect or failure.  

The only thing worse is being the critic in the stands.

Deep down everyone is a doer.  I hope we inspired those college students to get into the arena.  I hope you will get in the arena, too.  I'm certain your little corner of the world will benefit from that voice, that whisper urging you to get out there and try.  There will be people around every corner who will do their best to deter you, make you second-guess yourself, and cover you with their cloud of negativity, but if you dig deep enough and believe in yourself, you'll overcome those obstacles.  You may fail a time or two, but stay positive.  And kind.  One day you'll get there.  

The day will come when you'll look out at the critics in the stands and smile knowing you've succeeded.    

    

             

       

     

  

From the Ground Up

Food for thought.  

I am becoming more and more frustrated with the chatter in our society, especially during this political season, regarding the lower class and those living in poverty. So many are referred to as being lazy, undeserving of hand-outs, thugs, etc. Sure, there are people that fit into that category (let us not forget there are people in other social classes who fit into that category as well), but my heart breaks for those who come from families who have lived in poverty for generations. They are at the bottom of a mountain looking up from day one.

It's hard to become a "productive citizen," when your basic needs aren't met. It's hard to become a good student when you are hungry, tired, and do not have the tools at home to practice the very skills you are taught at school.  It's hard to understand how to be socially appropriate when violence surrounds you and you don't have positive role models.  

Some are able to escape, but many are not and the cycle continues.

It is my hope that people realize how important it is for education equality and reform. The above-mentioned statistic has always troubled me, which is why I feel compelled to do what I can to make a difference, however big or small it may be. Children growing up in poverty have the deck stacked against them. It is a world we cannot even begin to understand, yet there are so many who are quick to judge and make generalizations.

Let's face it. Education for middle and upper class children is far superior to that of their low-income peers. Low-income schools are underfunded and in disrepair. They do not have the necessary materials and tools needed for learning and the extra support and enrichment activities are lacking.  

They do not have PTA's who raise thousands of dollars each year to provide the teachers and school with the "extras." I found an article on the Waiting for Superman Facebook page that touches on this subject to be very thought-provoking.  

Plain and simple there is a large achievement gap and it needs to be remedied. Take this local example: Monroe (Davenport) vs. Hopewell (Pleasant Valley). Now look at the nation's biggest cities:

It is a huge reason why we work so hard at From Cover to Cover to get something as simple as books into kids' homes, but it's so much more than that. We want those kids to know we care and that they matter.  We want them to know that there are people who are in their corner and supporting them.

It is why we continue to forge ahead, grow our programs, and find more money to reach our goals.  It is also why the ultimate goal is to expand our organization and start branches in different parts of the country.  Proficient literacy skills are imperative for future success.  We just pray that our little dream grows into a big, huge, amazing organization someday. 

A true cultural shift will not occur until our local, state, and national governments address this problem in a productive way and come up with a plan to truly lead the efforts to make a change.  

Those of us who live a life of privilege need to step up to the plate, too.  If you have a safe place to sleep, food on the table, and clothes on your back then I'm talking to you.  It's about more than donating food, clothes, or money from afar.  Those are all great gifts, but it's time to get your hands dirty, get in the trenches, and see first-hand what is going on.  Bring your children along, too.

I recently came across this thought by Father Murray Powell in a book I'm reading (Rising Strong by Brene Brown):  "When you look away from a homeless person, you are diminishing their humanity and your own."

It would be so refreshing if those of us who can would take the attitude of "how can I help" rather than "they don't deserve."    

In the next week I have the privilege to speak to high school juniors and college students regarding the work that is done through From Cover to Cover.  I am excited and know these opportunities are for a greater purpose.  My goal is to open some eyes, inspire the next generation, and leave them hungry to do something for the greater good.  

I want them to take that spark and light a fire.  

Our nation is so divided and people are willing to attack those who don't share the same viewpoint, often in extremely aggressive ways. The lack of respect people have for others is unnerving. So many are enraged and complain, yet stand idly by and do nothing to help.

It is time to turn the table. It is time to let go of the animosity and anger and turn it into productivity and hope. It's time to show up for those who need help and start the change train rolling. Hop on board.

#theyearofpeople