Shame Sucks

Shame.

Naturally we have all experienced shame throughout our lives, but what impact has it had on your life?

I felt a lot of shame as a teenager.  I struggled immensely with peer relationships in middle and high school and it left me feeling terribly embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed.  I made poor decisions in an effort to try and fit in and really lost myself for quite a long time. Those struggles followed me into my twenties and it took awhile to break free from the destructive behavior I used to mask the shame, but I did.  I look back on the choices that I made and cringe, but I've learned to offer myself grace and be thankful that I eventually got on the straight and narrow path.

I'd love to say that by my thirties that shame magically disappeared, but I'd be lying.  It is still a part of my life.  I've made progress, but that teenager can still be found within.  When I find myself in a situation where I struggle with a relationship, that doubt and shame tends to creep back in.  It no longer leads me on a path of destruction, but I find myself distancing myself from the person and situation.

It makes me feel terribly uncomfortable and unsure.  I absolutely hate conflict, because in my experience all those years ago, conflict resulted in the demise of that relationship.  These sentiments make it quite difficult when conflict arises with those who aren't going anywhere in my life:  my husband, family, neighbors, and close friends.  Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to explain it.

There are times when I imagine how life may be different if I hadn't been a part of so many failed relationships.  To this day, when it comes to friendship, I am cautious.  It takes a long time to feel out potential friends and even when I want to throw caution to the wind, I can't.  The guard tends to stay up.

Oddly enough, I feel no shame talking about my struggles.  It is simply a part of my story and when I reflect on where my life is at now, I can see how those feelings have resulted in a woman who is stronger, braver, and more driven than I ever would have imagined.  I have goals and the desire to make some really big dreams a reality.

Perhaps sharing my story will help someone else feel less ashamed; less alone in their struggles.  Not too long ago, I returned to my alma mater to speak to a group of current students and shared this very painful part of my past.   It was part of the journey and if you could see how all of the pieces have fit together, I guess you could say everything happens for a reason.

At the conclusion of the presentation, a very sweet twenty-something girl came up to me, looked me in the eye, and simply said, "I just want to give you a hug."  Perhaps sharing my struggles touched her in a way I will never know.

The moral of this story?  Shame is like a pesky weed that just won't go away.  It can have a negative effect on our decision-making process and the way we perceive ourselves, but ultimately, it doesn't have to define us.  In fact, it can pull you out of your shell when you least expect it and push you to levels you never thought possible.

This Mother's Day, I'm treating myself to a book by one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown.  I've read Rising Strong once already this year, but it belongs on my bookshelf along with The Gift of Imperfection, I Thought it Was Just Me (But it Isn't):  Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power, and Daring Greatly.

The Best Yes

Today I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed.  Do you ever have those days where you just don't know where to start, because everyone and everything seem to need your attention?  This has been brewing in my system for the better part of a week and the peak is upon me.  Finding a way to positively handle the situation is going to be the most challenging, yet most important moment in this particular life hiccup.

You see, when someone is this house falls ill, it seems to slowly find it's way in the other kids' systems.  I'm not quite sure what we're dealing with here, perhaps a hodgepodge of germs, but thus far strep throat has been diagnosed.  Couple this with a traveling husband, outside commitments, and keeping everything afloat at home, my brain and body are on overload.  It is time to figure out what can be let go for now.

I have to carefully consider my options and find my best yes.  I'll be honest, the messiness of my house at times drives me insane.  It's the clutter, not the actual cleanliness, I just can't keep up with.  I know I have to declutter and organize this place, but right now it just cannot be done.  Keeping up with the laundry, the bathrooms and kitchen cleaned, and the carpet vacuumed is going to have to be good enough for right now.  The decluttering will have to wait (cringing as I type this!).

Finding a balance with my outside commitments is also going to have to be carefully analyzed.  I am involved in many things, but cannot give my full attention and effort to them all.  Creating a priority list of what must be done versus what I would like to accomplish may help to reduce some of my stress.  Ensuring I have time for fun with my family, husband, and friends needs to make the priority list.  Some of the meetings may need to be put off for now.

It's important for us to acknowledge we may have too much on our plate at any given time.  From my experience, we are not our best selves when feeling overwhelmed and stressed.  In time we will get to those items on the "can wait" list and more than likely, nothing or no one will be negatively impacted in the meantime.  It is hard to say no and delay things sometimes, but doing so without feeling guilty is okay.

There are times when life is unpredictable and we just don't have the time to get to it all.  For someone who is a doer this can be challenging, but I know it is in the best interest of my family and myself to just let some things go for the time being.  My health, sanity, and family will thank me later.

If you struggle with saying no, I highly recommend reading The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst.  It is a helpful and easy read.

Financial Prep Work

Finances.  How many of you have set goals in this area?  Each year we have good intentions of monitoring our money and spending a little more wisely, but when push comes to shove, we probably don't spend or save our money as wisely as we could.  2015 is shaping up to be the year we finally devise some concrete goals, set our benchmarks, and follow through.

Managing finances is probably one of the most unique journeys a person or couple encounters. Everyone's situation is different and there is certainly no one-size-fits-all method to achieving your financial goals.  There are excellent references out there from Dave Ramsey to Suze Orman, but ultimately you need to thoughtfully consider their advice and programs and create a plan both you and your spouse feel comfortable with.

In preparation for The Year to Get It Done, my husband and I have had many discussions about our current financial situation and the goals we would like to achieve.  We've sifted through all of our accounts, recorded our assets and debts, and devised a plan we feel comfortable with.

We will follow Dave Ramsey's baby steps, but with a little modification.  For example, step one is to create a $1000 emergency fund.  Psychologically it is to help you pay off debt faster and then return to saving because, let's face it, $1000 in the bank doesn't go far.  It provides a sense of urgency.

For us, though, the $1000 is a little too uncomfortable for our family of 6.  This is the way we have chosen to address Dave's first three steps:  have a 3-month emergency savings, pay off our debt (other than our home), and return to saving for a 6-month emergency fund.

One of my favorite sayings is, "To each his own."

In the area of finance, I find this to be particularly truthful.  Each person's current financial situation not only reflects choices made in the past, but also present-day decisions.  For some, poor choices in the past may still follow them today.  For others, present-day decisions may be dragging them down or, if they're lucky, raising them up.  

How we spend and save our money is all personal preference.  Setting goals is imperative to financial freedom.  Per one of my inspirational authors, Tsh Oxenreider, figuring out the why behind the goals is even more important.  I suppose this holds true to any goal we set.

Take the time to thoughtfully consider what motivates you and have your spouse do the same.   Determine how achieving each financial goal will positively impact your family's life.  How will these achievements lead you one step closer to fulfilling not only your dreams, but your life's purpose?

Once you have done this, set the plan in motion.  While there are bound to be bumps in the road, if we have a clear understanding of what drives us and the why behind the goals we've set, we are bound to overcome the obstacles and keep moving forward until we are successful.

Finding the Inspiration

Christmas has come and gone and the New Year is right around the corner!  In order to be off and running when the calendar changes, I want to ensure I have some of my favorite motivational reading material pulled from the bookshelf and placed on my night stand.  Over the past few years I've read many wonderful, inspiring books which I wholeheartedly believe have lead me to this point.

To begin this journey, I will be dusting off and cracking open these six books:    

1.  Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider

     -If you're looking to purge, organize, and thoroughly clean your home, this is the book for you!

2.  The Best Yes by Lisa TerKeurst

     -Having some trouble with over-committing and time management?  Be sure to check this one out.

3.  Rhinestone Jesus by Kristen Welch

     -An inspiring story about struggle, surrender, and finding your purpose.  She also has a great blog!

4.  Seven by Jen Hatmaker

     -We live in a world of excess.  Her family's year-long journey is intriguing and entertaining.

5.  Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

     -May be my all-time favorite.  This one is a must in my eyes.  

6.  Notes From a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider

     -If you're looking to live a simpler life and sifting through the noise, this is a great choice.

If you have some extra Christmas cash, I highly recommend buying some of the above-mentioned books.  Each of our journeys to get sh*t done will be unique.  Don't add anything to your reading list that doesn't feel like it fits within your goals.  Time is precious.  Use it wisely!