Who am I?
For quite some time this question has eaten at me. It's been nearly nine years since I left my full-time career as a teacher to stay at home with our first-born son and over the course of time, I feel like I have lost my sense of identity outside of wife and mom.
If I stop and evaluate my life since becoming a mother, I can clearly see how I arrived at this point. As you can imagine, life with four young kids can be pretty chaotic, overwhelming, and exhausting. Add in a husband who works long hours and frequently travels and you find someone who has spent the majority of her time making sure everyone else's needs are met, that her needs, and so much of the person she used to be, have been forgotten.
And I blame no one but myself.
After much self-reflection, I have painfully realized I did this to myself. The adventurous, bold, confident girl who moved to a huge city over a thousand miles away after college alone, has been replaced with a restless, tired, uncertain woman longing for some resemblance of that girl.
I hate to admit it, but I have fallen victim to Martyr Mom Syndrome. More times than not, I have had an excuse for not taking care of myself: no time, no money, guilt. The linked article hits the nail right on the head.
Ten years ago I would have never envisioned myself in this way.
It is likely my decision to stay home lead me to this place of uncertainty. When I worked full-time, my job description was clear. I was rewarded with a paycheck and received feedback from my administrators and student's parents. I had the opportunity to meet a lot of people, channel my creativity, and work towards clear goals. My day had a clear beginning and end. I had time to pursue my interests, socialize, and take care of my body. I had fun.
And then it changed.
My days no longer had a beginning and an end. Instead, they blended together into sleepless nights and long days. I was no longer rewarded with a paycheck and the feedback I received was measured in smiles or tears. My job description became a muddled mess: wife, mother, teacher, housekeeper, chef, nurse...the list goes on. My social circle shrunk, my waist size expanded, and my interests, for the most part, were pushed to the side, because if there was any downtime, I'd likely be napping, reading a book, or completing some task around the house.
And then I changed.
The adventurous girl became cautious. The confident, bold girl became uncertain and passive. The social, outgoing girl felt isolated and became reclusive. The girl who loved shopping and shoes settled for a waning wardrobe and flip-flops or tennis shoes. The competitive, athletic girl had difficulty maintaining a fitness routine due to lack of energy or time. The girl who wanted to feel pretty and confident took to getting her hair done twice a year and the "mom uniform" of yoga pants and t-shirts.
Wow. That was hard to write.
I share none of this because I am looking for a pity party. Quite the opposite, really. I share this because I know I am not alone. I am confident there are thousands of moms out there who feel the same way I do. Who are longing to fight their way back to some resemblance of the person they once were. Hopefully, thanks to life's experiences, an older, wiser, improved version of that person.
After so many years, I have drawn my line in the sand. My days of having babies are over and it is time to let go of that Martyr Mom Syndrome and live my life, not only for my family, but for myself as well.
I want to feel joyful, excited, and intrigued by what lies ahead. I want to exercise, feel confident, and take pride in my appearance. I want to chase those dreams, pursue my passions, and take risks. Most of all, I just want to feel like me again.
Don't get me wrong, I'll still be here taking care of my family, but you better believe I'm going to carve out time for myself. No more excuses. No more guilt. I am confident I'll find my way again.
The road may not be easy, but I am up for the challenge.
Are you?
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