Balance

November is upon us and with that comes the gentle reminder to count your blessings.  In my heart I know I have been abundantly blessed in my years on this earth.  I had a great childhood, married a wonderful man, have four amazing kids, and a great support system of friends and family.  I have more than I would ever need and the opportunity to stay at home, raise my family, and volunteer my time as I see fit.  On paper this all sounds gloriously awesome, so I can't help but feel guilty that deep within my soul I feel like I'm suffocating.

I don't believe I am alone.  I have many friends who stay at home with their darling little children and these questions seem to come out quite often:  who am I and what is next?  Staying home with your children is hard.  It is easy to lose yourself with the demands of everyday life, decreased socialization, and years of little sleep.

All of my life I have been a busy person.  I participated in various sports, joined clubs, played the piano, sang in my church choir, and preferred to be on the go rather than stuck at home.  I was a gifted student, had a lot of drive, and was always full of ideas.  I know I am wired to go, go, go.

 In my mind I am still that young, free person who can pursue those dreams and have the freedom to go when I choose, but in reality it just doesn't work anymore.  I have a large family and a husband who works long hours and travels.  My primary job is to make sure this household is running as smoothly as possible and the kids are cared for, but that person who wants to be independent, on the move, engaged in activities, and making plans is living inside of me yearning to be free.

Perhaps it sounds selfish and those who know me well may be thinking, "What?  She's always busy with something," but while I may seem busy it is so hard to finish what I started because life always seems to get in the way.  There always seems to be something: someone is sick, I have no one to watch the kids, or simply no energy left once everyone has been put to bed for the night.

Perhaps my viewpoint would be different if I had a career with tangible rewards:  a paycheck, a promotion, a pat on the back for a job well done.  Maybe a set schedule, clear expectations, and set tasks to finish the job would help.  These thoughts and the desire to work played a large roll in the development of my newly launched small business.  Truth is, I don't know if it will make a difference.  Only time will tell.

My focus this year on getting sh*t done has yielded many great results, but it has also caused me to look inside of myself more and try to pinpoint what is fulfilling in my life and what is missing.  Reflection is important for growth, but it can also be painful.  It is hard to admit that motherhood is more of a challenge than I ever could have imagined.  It is hard to admit that, while I will always love my kids, there are days that they drive me crazy.  It is hard to admit that I struggle, day in and day out, with what I should be doing with my life rather than enjoying the path I have chosen.  It is so hard for me to just live in the moment.  

So while I may be sitting her stifling my feelings of suffocation, I am also eternally grateful to be the beneficiary of so many blessings.  One day I hope to achieve a sense of balance; of being able to fulfill my obligations to my family while staying true to myself and not suppressing who I am wired to be.

Life is a work in progress.  It is time to forge ahead.